My life is getting back to normal. I still get headaches and have more fatigue than normal, but I FEEL more myself. That is a good thing. Sometimes I think back and say to myself "did that really happen" but then I see the huge scar on my head and I know it did. It did happen. I even try to remember how scared I was, but I don't get scared anymore. I want to remember what I cared about in that time and what I feared, so I can face it and live accordingly.
The truth is that the most important thing was my family. I thought about Frances and Henry a lot. I was sad that maybe I would not be there to grow up, but I also didn't want to traumatize them with my illness. Luckily I am not going down that road.
Instead, I get to write this while Christmas music is streaming, my husband is putting up the tree, my son is reading quietly and my daughter is munching on a graham cracker. Yes, I am fortunate.
I was able to have three whole days of Thanksgiving, and it was wonderful. It started out with a Turkey Trot. Henry and Frances ran an indoor race. It was Frances' first time in a race and she absolutely loved it. It was hard for her to wait until they said go. She had a couple of false starts and she might have gotten a little head start when she finally did go. More races are definitely in her future. Henry did good too. He was very serious about the whole event, but I know he liked it. Aaron ran a really good race and placed 17th in his age group. This is really good for him.
As for me, I did pretty good. I have only ran twice since the injury and it was on the treadmill. I wasn't sure how the race would go. I had the plan of running until I warmed up and then walk/run the rest. That is exactly what I did and I ended up only walking three times. When I started, I noticed the world was bobbing a little more than I was used to, but it was okay. Then about half way through I really had to use the bathroom and that took up all my concentration. Looking back, it was probably a good distraction. When I crossed the finish line, I felt great! I didn't feel exhausted nor did I have a headache. I quickly found a bathroom and then found Aaron.
After the race we went to my parents house and the celebration commenced. It ended yesterday and was a fun time. After all the excitement of the holidays, I ended up taking a 2 hour nap and then going to bed at the normal time. I guess I'm not quite normal, but close.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Back at Work
Today I went back to work. I only worked four hours and only saw 3 patients, but hey, it is progress.
Of course, when I finally go back to work, Henry had to be a little sick. 2 days ago he had bilateral pink eye and stayed home for that, then that night he had a croupy cough but was breathing okay, and last night had a fever What a boy! He is doing pretty good now and has liked his mini vacation from school even if it means a little coughing. It just made it harder for me to leave him.
Frances has been very clingy to me since I came back from the hospital. I figure right now I have a 50% chance of using the restroom alone. I was a little worried she wouldn't take the transition well, but she did fine today.
Two days ago I went to the nurse practioner for a check up and she was happy with the progress my wound had made. Aaron still needs to dress it two times a day, but now only needs to do so for a week. She also said it was fine for me to go back to work. I am starting part time because I might not be able to multitask well and I will be more tired than normal. Today I really didn't have the opportunity to multitask, but I can admit to being a little more tired than normal. I went home and rested a little, and then I was fine.
It feels good to be acting a little more normal.
Of course, when I finally go back to work, Henry had to be a little sick. 2 days ago he had bilateral pink eye and stayed home for that, then that night he had a croupy cough but was breathing okay, and last night had a fever What a boy! He is doing pretty good now and has liked his mini vacation from school even if it means a little coughing. It just made it harder for me to leave him.
Frances has been very clingy to me since I came back from the hospital. I figure right now I have a 50% chance of using the restroom alone. I was a little worried she wouldn't take the transition well, but she did fine today.
Two days ago I went to the nurse practioner for a check up and she was happy with the progress my wound had made. Aaron still needs to dress it two times a day, but now only needs to do so for a week. She also said it was fine for me to go back to work. I am starting part time because I might not be able to multitask well and I will be more tired than normal. Today I really didn't have the opportunity to multitask, but I can admit to being a little more tired than normal. I went home and rested a little, and then I was fine.
It feels good to be acting a little more normal.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Halloween
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Update
It has been about a week since I posted. With Halloween/Henry's birthday, things got busy. That is probably a good thing. I am feeling okay. The headaches now are usually mild and not to disabling. I usually take Tylenol once a day, and I take coffee in the morning. These two things usually keep the headache at bay.
Henry's school had a costume parade that was heavily attended and I got to go to this. Theoretically it should have been great. Practically, it was a lot of looking left then right and my head didn't like it. After I saw Henry, I went home and rested because my head was pounding. At Henry's birthday party I also noticed my head was a little wonky watching nine kids play their heart out. It shows me that my body is still not perfect and maybe being home with the lack of multiple stimulations it not necessarily a good thing. The more my body heals, the better, but it might need the opportunity. Work can do that for me, and I plan on going to work next week if the nurse practioner lets me.
My wound is healing slowly, but it is healing. Aaron is doing a great job of dressing it two times a day. I might need to wear a hair band to work, but that is okay. I am wearing one 24-7 anyway, so it is not much off a change. I just would really like to be healed completely before I start work, but I think that might be too much to ask for.
So, that is where I am right now. I guess pretty good.
Henry's school had a costume parade that was heavily attended and I got to go to this. Theoretically it should have been great. Practically, it was a lot of looking left then right and my head didn't like it. After I saw Henry, I went home and rested because my head was pounding. At Henry's birthday party I also noticed my head was a little wonky watching nine kids play their heart out. It shows me that my body is still not perfect and maybe being home with the lack of multiple stimulations it not necessarily a good thing. The more my body heals, the better, but it might need the opportunity. Work can do that for me, and I plan on going to work next week if the nurse practioner lets me.
My wound is healing slowly, but it is healing. Aaron is doing a great job of dressing it two times a day. I might need to wear a hair band to work, but that is okay. I am wearing one 24-7 anyway, so it is not much off a change. I just would really like to be healed completely before I start work, but I think that might be too much to ask for.
So, that is where I am right now. I guess pretty good.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Better News
Today I met with both the nurse practioner and the neurosurgeon. They looked at my wound and then the neurosurgeon looked at my phone pictures of my wound. They determined that I do NOT need surgery to close it up. This is a huge relief to me. I was trying to be positive, but the possibility of another surgery was really bumming me out. Now, I can be my normal optimistic self again.
Instead of surgery, I have to clean the wound and pack it twice a day. Now when I say "I," it will actually be Aaron instead of me. It is a little hard for me to do it myself since I would have to look into a mirror and do everything backwards. It shouldn't be too tough for Aaron and throughout this, he hasn't seemed grossed out yet. I suppose this will be the real test. I'm not sure how long this will be, but the wound has to heal up before Aaron is done. It could be one week or more....
The neurosurgeon hasn't seen me since I left the hospital. He asked me how my energy was (good) and specifically if I had been reading or not (no). I told him I was going to force myself to read but I accidently got the book in Spanish. He said I shouldn't force it. I told him that force was a bad word. I would obviously stop if I had a headache or it became too hard, but I wanted to start getting acclimated to reading because I would have to do a lot of it at work. He seemed to understand and was okay with my explanation. Before he left, he commented on how good my facial muscles were doing. I agreed with him. It is nice to know he is happy with the result.
I was dreading this visit today, but it turned out okay. I have more work to do regarding my wound, but it is okay, because I don't need surgery!
Instead of surgery, I have to clean the wound and pack it twice a day. Now when I say "I," it will actually be Aaron instead of me. It is a little hard for me to do it myself since I would have to look into a mirror and do everything backwards. It shouldn't be too tough for Aaron and throughout this, he hasn't seemed grossed out yet. I suppose this will be the real test. I'm not sure how long this will be, but the wound has to heal up before Aaron is done. It could be one week or more....
The neurosurgeon hasn't seen me since I left the hospital. He asked me how my energy was (good) and specifically if I had been reading or not (no). I told him I was going to force myself to read but I accidently got the book in Spanish. He said I shouldn't force it. I told him that force was a bad word. I would obviously stop if I had a headache or it became too hard, but I wanted to start getting acclimated to reading because I would have to do a lot of it at work. He seemed to understand and was okay with my explanation. Before he left, he commented on how good my facial muscles were doing. I agreed with him. It is nice to know he is happy with the result.
I was dreading this visit today, but it turned out okay. I have more work to do regarding my wound, but it is okay, because I don't need surgery!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Not So Good News
Yesterday I went back to neurosurgery. I was super excited because my wound was looking great compared to last week. It wasn't weeping anymore and the redness had improved. I was ready to get the stitches out and move on. When I saw the nurse practioner, so agreed that things looked better, but she still wasn't happy with them. Because it had been three weeks, she took out the stitches, but she didn't want to. You see, there is an area right behind my ear where the edges of the skin is not together. She measured it, and the area is 2cm long and 0.5cm wide.
Because this spot, I have two days. I have two days for my body to turn things around. If not, I have to go back into surgery for a deep cleaning of the wound. This would be an overnight stay in the hospital and everything. I go back in tomorrow to see the nurse practioner and the surgeon. I realize I am pretty helpless in this situation, but I REALLY don't want to go back into surgery. The surgery wouldn't go deep within my brain, but I would have to do all the painful IV stuff and be intubated and stay in the hospital. That would not be fun at all.
I am telling myself that it could be worse. The outcome of the first surgery was great and left me with a normal face. If I have to deal with a little wound issue, well so be it. I can deal with that, it is a short term problem that can be fixed. I think I am a little more miffed because things were going so good I expected smooth sailing to the finish line. I should have known better. That is never the case.
Because this spot, I have two days. I have two days for my body to turn things around. If not, I have to go back into surgery for a deep cleaning of the wound. This would be an overnight stay in the hospital and everything. I go back in tomorrow to see the nurse practioner and the surgeon. I realize I am pretty helpless in this situation, but I REALLY don't want to go back into surgery. The surgery wouldn't go deep within my brain, but I would have to do all the painful IV stuff and be intubated and stay in the hospital. That would not be fun at all.
I am telling myself that it could be worse. The outcome of the first surgery was great and left me with a normal face. If I have to deal with a little wound issue, well so be it. I can deal with that, it is a short term problem that can be fixed. I think I am a little more miffed because things were going so good I expected smooth sailing to the finish line. I should have known better. That is never the case.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
A Lesson in Patience
Yesterday went pretty well. The pace of life was definitely slower because of a little girl named Frances. It all started with the car. She knows I cannot lift her and that it is her job to climb into the car seat. After dropping off Henry, I had a couple errands to do before going to my parents house. Unfortunately for me, these were the type of errands that required me to leave the car. It seemed like each time we got back to the car, Franny was slower and slower getting into the car seat. There was one time I just gave up trying to convince her to get into the car seat. I shut the back door and got into the front seat and told her to tell me when she was ready to get into the car seat. After about 10 minutes playing all over the car, she was finally ready.
We got to my parent's house a little late and had to skip the morning walk because Ruby was already asleep (don't worry, we made up for it later). After lunch time, it was time to try to get Frances to nap. At home she sleeps in a crib and here at my parents, she is in a bed. A bed that you can climb out of. I laid with her for about 20 minutes, and after repeated asking to wake up and get out of bed, I conceded.
After non-nap time, Franny got a little play time with Ruby and then it was time to get Henry at school. After cajoling her into the car seat once more time, we picked up Henry and then...Franny fell asleep in the car. I was stuck. I couldn't lift Franny and I didn't especially want to wake her up, so I let Henry go inside my parents house and I stayed with her in the car, just doing nothing while she slept.
Once she woke up we went inside and pretty soon it was time for dinner. I was going to grab some Papa Murphy's but Fran started crying and saying that she wanted to come with me. I didn't want to battle her in the car anymore, so I had my mom go instead.
After dinner...bedtime. I don't need to go over everything, but I had to lay in bed with her for 45 minutes before she finally fell asleep. I sure missed the crib where she is trapped and can't get out even if she wanted to.
So really, yesterday was all about Frances.
We got to my parent's house a little late and had to skip the morning walk because Ruby was already asleep (don't worry, we made up for it later). After lunch time, it was time to try to get Frances to nap. At home she sleeps in a crib and here at my parents, she is in a bed. A bed that you can climb out of. I laid with her for about 20 minutes, and after repeated asking to wake up and get out of bed, I conceded.
After non-nap time, Franny got a little play time with Ruby and then it was time to get Henry at school. After cajoling her into the car seat once more time, we picked up Henry and then...Franny fell asleep in the car. I was stuck. I couldn't lift Franny and I didn't especially want to wake her up, so I let Henry go inside my parents house and I stayed with her in the car, just doing nothing while she slept.
Once she woke up we went inside and pretty soon it was time for dinner. I was going to grab some Papa Murphy's but Fran started crying and saying that she wanted to come with me. I didn't want to battle her in the car anymore, so I had my mom go instead.
After dinner...bedtime. I don't need to go over everything, but I had to lay in bed with her for 45 minutes before she finally fell asleep. I sure missed the crib where she is trapped and can't get out even if she wanted to.
So really, yesterday was all about Frances.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Today
I have a whole list of things to do and one of them is to update the blog. I thought I should do that now.
So, Aaron is officially out the door and on his way to the World Series! He said it was weird to leave us. Weird, but probably good for him. He deserves a break. Henry has a late start at school today so we are just all hanging out at home right now. To be honest, it is a little weird without Aaron here. I feel a little bit like I am rolling the dice and hoping I won't get a seven (or what ever it is that you don't want when you play craps). With all the things I can do, I still do have limitations. Already this morning I had to go downstairs because Henry and Franny were playing together and Franny started crying. It was only because Henry didn't want to give Franny a toy and she got upset, so no big deal. Still, I picture either Franny or Henry hurting themselves and me being useless. For that reason and others, I am headed to my parents after Henry goes to school.
I hope I don't need any help, but if I do, my mom is there (my dad is on a business trip). Well, actually, I will probably need her help in the mornings, which brings me to an update. I think I'm doing pretty good. The stitches are looking better and better, but are itching like crazy. I am SO ready for them to be out. My headaches are still there, but are also getting better. Mornings are still the hardest for me. As soon as I can break the headache in the morning, I am good to go, but before that I am pretty useless. Two days ago I went shopping by myself at a fabric store. That COMPLETELY exhausted me. It showed me that maybe I'm not as normal as I think I am. It made me think I need a game plan for recovery. I need a slow introduction to normal life with more and more activity during the day. Watching the kids without Aaron is probably a good step.
I'll let everyone know how it goes
Laura
PS Henry wanted to write some stuff:
mom fart from henry henry henryhenry henry
So, Aaron is officially out the door and on his way to the World Series! He said it was weird to leave us. Weird, but probably good for him. He deserves a break. Henry has a late start at school today so we are just all hanging out at home right now. To be honest, it is a little weird without Aaron here. I feel a little bit like I am rolling the dice and hoping I won't get a seven (or what ever it is that you don't want when you play craps). With all the things I can do, I still do have limitations. Already this morning I had to go downstairs because Henry and Franny were playing together and Franny started crying. It was only because Henry didn't want to give Franny a toy and she got upset, so no big deal. Still, I picture either Franny or Henry hurting themselves and me being useless. For that reason and others, I am headed to my parents after Henry goes to school.
I hope I don't need any help, but if I do, my mom is there (my dad is on a business trip). Well, actually, I will probably need her help in the mornings, which brings me to an update. I think I'm doing pretty good. The stitches are looking better and better, but are itching like crazy. I am SO ready for them to be out. My headaches are still there, but are also getting better. Mornings are still the hardest for me. As soon as I can break the headache in the morning, I am good to go, but before that I am pretty useless. Two days ago I went shopping by myself at a fabric store. That COMPLETELY exhausted me. It showed me that maybe I'm not as normal as I think I am. It made me think I need a game plan for recovery. I need a slow introduction to normal life with more and more activity during the day. Watching the kids without Aaron is probably a good step.
I'll let everyone know how it goes
Laura
PS Henry wanted to write some stuff:
mom fart from henry henry henryhenry henry
Friday, October 17, 2014
Aaron's Perspective
Aaron wrote a great post on his blog about me and the Royals. Everyone should check it out.
http://www.royalsauthority.com/brain-tumor-playoffs/
I always enjoy it when Aaron writes (even if I skim over the baseball statistic parts). Aaron is a good writer, but he is an even better husband. This whole thing has gone pretty smooth and a lot of it is because of him. With all the things I cannot do, he has never even hesitated taking over the responsibilities. He has been loving, selfless and amazing. If I could give him every World Series game I would, he deserves it. I love you Aaron!
http://www.royalsauthority.com/brain-tumor-playoffs/
I always enjoy it when Aaron writes (even if I skim over the baseball statistic parts). Aaron is a good writer, but he is an even better husband. This whole thing has gone pretty smooth and a lot of it is because of him. With all the things I cannot do, he has never even hesitated taking over the responsibilities. He has been loving, selfless and amazing. If I could give him every World Series game I would, he deserves it. I love you Aaron!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The Scar
Had a few people asking about Laura's incision/stitches/scar, so those who want to see it can click through. It's not so bad, but also not for the extra squeamish!
Stiches are.......
mostly still there.
I went to my two week post-surgery appointment yesterday. The usual plan is to take out all of the stitches. I was excited to get them out. I wanted to be able to sleep on that side again and for them not to irritate me.
Since the surgery, the would continues to have a little dried scabbing. There is not oozing that I notice, but my hair gets a little clumpy and the wound is not completely dry. Because of this, the stitches are to remain in 1 more week and I am going to start some antibiotics just to make sure there is no starting skin infection. Although disappointed, I agree with the logic and will keep these things in my head for one more week. She did take the stitches out of my abdomen. It's a small victory.
As far as my restrictions, the only thing that has changed is that I now can drive! It's nice to have some independence. I still can't bend with my head below my heart and I still can't lift 10 pounds. I guess this will be like this for about a month or so. I also specifically asked about running. The nurse practioner smiled a little when I asked that ( I guess not a common question). She said it would be a while (like a month or more), but that I can walk as much as I wanted. I didn't know there currently was a limit to the amount I am walking now.
I asked about return to work, she guessed about 6 weeks after surgery. I told her I was hoping for 4 weeks and she that might be possible, but we would just see.
As far as my headaches, they are getting better. I always have a headache when I wake up in the morning, and then it gets better throughout the day. The intensity of the headache from day to day is improving a little each day. That makes me happy. It makes me feel like I won't end up in chronic pain.
With my boredom, I am doing better. I am feeling more and more normal and with that, have the energy to do more normal things. I am still not a big fan of reading, but I am listening to an audio book and am loving that! Also, how can I be bored when the ROYALS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!!! It is fun to watch. We are going to work it out so Aaron gets to go to a game (party at Grandma and Grandpa's house).
All in all, things are going good but the stitches are still in my head.
I went to my two week post-surgery appointment yesterday. The usual plan is to take out all of the stitches. I was excited to get them out. I wanted to be able to sleep on that side again and for them not to irritate me.
Since the surgery, the would continues to have a little dried scabbing. There is not oozing that I notice, but my hair gets a little clumpy and the wound is not completely dry. Because of this, the stitches are to remain in 1 more week and I am going to start some antibiotics just to make sure there is no starting skin infection. Although disappointed, I agree with the logic and will keep these things in my head for one more week. She did take the stitches out of my abdomen. It's a small victory.
As far as my restrictions, the only thing that has changed is that I now can drive! It's nice to have some independence. I still can't bend with my head below my heart and I still can't lift 10 pounds. I guess this will be like this for about a month or so. I also specifically asked about running. The nurse practioner smiled a little when I asked that ( I guess not a common question). She said it would be a while (like a month or more), but that I can walk as much as I wanted. I didn't know there currently was a limit to the amount I am walking now.
I asked about return to work, she guessed about 6 weeks after surgery. I told her I was hoping for 4 weeks and she that might be possible, but we would just see.
As far as my headaches, they are getting better. I always have a headache when I wake up in the morning, and then it gets better throughout the day. The intensity of the headache from day to day is improving a little each day. That makes me happy. It makes me feel like I won't end up in chronic pain.
With my boredom, I am doing better. I am feeling more and more normal and with that, have the energy to do more normal things. I am still not a big fan of reading, but I am listening to an audio book and am loving that! Also, how can I be bored when the ROYALS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!!! It is fun to watch. We are going to work it out so Aaron gets to go to a game (party at Grandma and Grandpa's house).
All in all, things are going good but the stitches are still in my head.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Headaches
I'm doing good, but today was a little hard. The last steroids I took was over 48 hours ago and this morning I woke up with a pretty bad piercing headache. I tried coffee and extra strength Tylenol, but it didn't help much.
Aaron was great and took the kids swimming while I just focused on getting better. The headache has been so bad today, I just took some Percocet. I'm less than two weeks out of brain surgery, I should expect to have a headache. It was just the last few days has been great and I was feeling like the road to recovery would be easy. It still might be, but days with headaches should be expected, especially when the steroids are weaned.
Baby steps, baby steps. I really am doing well. I have to remember this.
Aaron was great and took the kids swimming while I just focused on getting better. The headache has been so bad today, I just took some Percocet. I'm less than two weeks out of brain surgery, I should expect to have a headache. It was just the last few days has been great and I was feeling like the road to recovery would be easy. It still might be, but days with headaches should be expected, especially when the steroids are weaned.
Baby steps, baby steps. I really am doing well. I have to remember this.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Henry
Turns out, Henry is doing well, but he does think the scar is scary. I mean, look at that scar on me! Henry thinks I will be fine and if he gets worried, he will play Wii, well, at least that is his plan. When he is around, I keep the stitches covered, but that is it.
It is nice to know from an outsider that Henry is doing well.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
A Hard Day
I thought yesterday was going to be fun, but it was hard. Mainly, it was really boring.
It's really hard to figure out what to do with myself.
The morning started out great with some Mall walking and watching Frances and Ruby play. I was enjoying just observing life, living in the moment, watching the girls get happy, excited over and over again. Then the moment was gone. I came back home exhausted. Really, too exhausted to do anything, but just lay down and NOT sleep.
I've been weaning down on my steroids, and with the half life of the medication, I think the wean is in full effect. Also, I stopped taking the Percocet. Yesterday I was really achy in my neck and jaw. Even the lightest touch was tender. The other thing was that my asthma acted up a little. I'm sure my body was just loving the exhangenous (sp?) steroids and was sad to see it go. I had to start up my Flovent. Today I'm doing better with the achiness and the breathing, so hopefully things are getting better.
Last night also I felt like I was on the roller coaster that wouldn't stop. Every time I closed my eyes to go to bed, my body felt in motion. I was trying to ride it out, but I couldn't. Eventually I woke up Aaron and tried to get into a better position where the rocking would stop. And, eventually it did stop, but it wasn't fun. I didn't really sleep that well.
So now today is a new day. Most of the day yesterday was just waiting for time to continue. It's not a good living. I need to think about what I can do, and what I can control and try to actually enjoy this time.
Even though my head is in a fog, I still think clearly. I can write, I can plan. Pretty soon Aaron and I will be on our own for meals, maybe I need to start thinking about that. Also, I bet I can sew, right? I can knit most of the time now. I finished Frances' Halloween costume, but I still need to work on Henry's a.k.a. Shadow Link. I will have my mom bring some puzzles over and we will continue our walks. Maybe if I have a normal daily routine, then things will get better. I am going to try to start getting a daily routine. I will let everyone know how I do.
It's really hard to figure out what to do with myself.
The morning started out great with some Mall walking and watching Frances and Ruby play. I was enjoying just observing life, living in the moment, watching the girls get happy, excited over and over again. Then the moment was gone. I came back home exhausted. Really, too exhausted to do anything, but just lay down and NOT sleep.
I've been weaning down on my steroids, and with the half life of the medication, I think the wean is in full effect. Also, I stopped taking the Percocet. Yesterday I was really achy in my neck and jaw. Even the lightest touch was tender. The other thing was that my asthma acted up a little. I'm sure my body was just loving the exhangenous (sp?) steroids and was sad to see it go. I had to start up my Flovent. Today I'm doing better with the achiness and the breathing, so hopefully things are getting better.
Last night also I felt like I was on the roller coaster that wouldn't stop. Every time I closed my eyes to go to bed, my body felt in motion. I was trying to ride it out, but I couldn't. Eventually I woke up Aaron and tried to get into a better position where the rocking would stop. And, eventually it did stop, but it wasn't fun. I didn't really sleep that well.
So now today is a new day. Most of the day yesterday was just waiting for time to continue. It's not a good living. I need to think about what I can do, and what I can control and try to actually enjoy this time.
Even though my head is in a fog, I still think clearly. I can write, I can plan. Pretty soon Aaron and I will be on our own for meals, maybe I need to start thinking about that. Also, I bet I can sew, right? I can knit most of the time now. I finished Frances' Halloween costume, but I still need to work on Henry's a.k.a. Shadow Link. I will have my mom bring some puzzles over and we will continue our walks. Maybe if I have a normal daily routine, then things will get better. I am going to try to start getting a daily routine. I will let everyone know how I do.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
1 Week Ago
Last week I was strapped down and unconscious and today I'm not! That is something good.
This morning I tried to sleep in, but Frances really wanted me to get up, so I got up on the couch at about 730 and then went back to sleep there until 945. I guess that's good, right? Also, last night was the first night I did NOT wake up in pain and need medication. That is another bonus.
With the healing, I have two types of headaches. The first is due to the incision and I can feel swelling and tightness where the stitches are. If I don't keep my head elevated enough, this can hurt quite a bit. The second type of pain is more deep and I think is related to increased intracranial pressure. If I cough, stand up too fast or walk a lot, I get a deep throbbing more on the left side of my head than anything. That takes a little more time to go away, but responds well with the pain medication.
Besides the headaches, I feel like I am a little in a dizzy fog. It's like I am at valley fair and there is one hour to go and the only ride to go on is the enterprise over and over, so that is what I do. Sometimes when I close my eyes, the room starts to spin (and sometimes it doesn't). My brain just needs to adjust with one vestibular nerve, and I have faith I will, it just will take time.
My tongue is still a little swollen, but it is MUCH better. I'm not limiting my food any more! Bring on the grub.
Tomorrow my mom and I start our official physical training. I am supposed to get out and walk at least 30 minutes a day. We have been doing this, but tomorrow, I will be a mall walker! Because my mom just got her hip replaced, she needs to walk too, so it is perfect. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Laura
This morning I tried to sleep in, but Frances really wanted me to get up, so I got up on the couch at about 730 and then went back to sleep there until 945. I guess that's good, right? Also, last night was the first night I did NOT wake up in pain and need medication. That is another bonus.
With the healing, I have two types of headaches. The first is due to the incision and I can feel swelling and tightness where the stitches are. If I don't keep my head elevated enough, this can hurt quite a bit. The second type of pain is more deep and I think is related to increased intracranial pressure. If I cough, stand up too fast or walk a lot, I get a deep throbbing more on the left side of my head than anything. That takes a little more time to go away, but responds well with the pain medication.
Besides the headaches, I feel like I am a little in a dizzy fog. It's like I am at valley fair and there is one hour to go and the only ride to go on is the enterprise over and over, so that is what I do. Sometimes when I close my eyes, the room starts to spin (and sometimes it doesn't). My brain just needs to adjust with one vestibular nerve, and I have faith I will, it just will take time.
My tongue is still a little swollen, but it is MUCH better. I'm not limiting my food any more! Bring on the grub.
Tomorrow my mom and I start our official physical training. I am supposed to get out and walk at least 30 minutes a day. We have been doing this, but tomorrow, I will be a mall walker! Because my mom just got her hip replaced, she needs to walk too, so it is perfect. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Laura
Monday, October 6, 2014
Pictures
So these are my scary pictures. The one above my writing is the one they took on 9/11. To orientate you, in the front you can see my eyeballs and then a little of my gray batter. In the back, you can see the cerebellum which is more layered then the other stuff. On right in the middle on the right side I the mass. It is about as big as my eyeball. It is pushing into the mid brain and pressing some of the fluid in a different place (the forth ventricle is an irregular triangle area). This is what I saw at first and scared me A LOT.
This is what they needed to do, and they did it and I am grateful.
My head hurts a little more today, but I think I am not sleeping as upright as I need to. Also, I am still weaning on the steroid. My big plan today is too take a shower. I think I can achieve it.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Mental Toughness
Last night I slept well in my OWN bed. It was nice, and mostly normal (except for a 3am headache). This morning I had some visitors and then my family came over. My brother brought over an extremely complicated Lord of the Rings game then he, Renae and I played. Before starting this game, I was thinking how well I am healing and will hopefully soon go back to work.
Now that I finished the game, I know I still have a lot of healing to do.
It was the first time I had to mentally push myself. It was hard. The hardest part was tuning out things that were distracting, like kids playing in the background and side conversations. About half way through the game, I needed some more pain medications, but after I took it, I finished the game with my family, and well, we lost.
To be honest, at the end I was just doing what my brother told me to. I normally wouldn't have been so passive, but the exhaustion was rising. It will be a good barometer to see how far I have come.
After that I laid on the couch for an hour or so and now I feel back to normal. The Royals game starts in an hour and I have to get some walking in, so I am going to leave and do my job.
Next time I will put some before and after pictures up of my brain. I was afraid to put these up until I knew everything would be fine. I think it will now.
Now that I finished the game, I know I still have a lot of healing to do.
It was the first time I had to mentally push myself. It was hard. The hardest part was tuning out things that were distracting, like kids playing in the background and side conversations. About half way through the game, I needed some more pain medications, but after I took it, I finished the game with my family, and well, we lost.
To be honest, at the end I was just doing what my brother told me to. I normally wouldn't have been so passive, but the exhaustion was rising. It will be a good barometer to see how far I have come.
After that I laid on the couch for an hour or so and now I feel back to normal. The Royals game starts in an hour and I have to get some walking in, so I am going to leave and do my job.
Next time I will put some before and after pictures up of my brain. I was afraid to put these up until I knew everything would be fine. I think it will now.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Day 4 Post-Op
I'm feeling pretty good. I have been evaluated by physical therapy am now safe to go to the bathroom by myself and walk in the hallway by myself. If I walk and turn my head, I feel a little unsteady, but that was it. I think I'll have lots of mall walking time with my mom when I get out.
I forgot to talked about removing the drain. After 2 days of having a drain set up to connect my CSF to the outside world, they thought the drainage was minimal and wanted to take it out. At first it was very red, but then it started looking like koolade( a good sign). That was a signal for it to be taken out. The nurse practioner cut the stitch holding the drain in place and then pulled the drain out. That didn't hurt at all. What hurt was she sterilized the area and put in stitch to close the hole where the drain came out. That hurt, but it was over quickly.
The wa the first step of my progress.
After the drain got pulled, I got to be a normal hospital room, not the ICU. This meant I could get up and use the bathroom and even walk around if I want to. It is really strange standing up after I had been laying down for 2 days. That and half of my vestibular system not working.
I have been a little more ache last night and today because they are decreasing my steroids. They had me on Decadron 10mg q 6hrs, and now I am on 4mg q 8 hours. I will just have to keep up with my pain medications to compensate for this.
Biggest news.....I'm home!
The doctor came in and asked if I wanted to leave on Monday. I said okay, but I was ready to go now. I was just getting bored there and I felt like I could do everything I needed to at home. The doctor's nurse practioner actually filled out the discharge planning the day before, so they were ready for me to leave.
I left the hospital around noon and Aaron got me set up on a couch and I snoozed there a little while. It feels really nice to be home, even if I am going to be a sloth.
I have occasional headaches, but my main issue is my tongue. It is healing and getting smaller, but I still don't trust myself with any sort of texture. I have this prescription mouthwash that is working, so I will keep doing that.
Now that I am home, Aaron doesn't have to split his life an two and he might actually stay awake for a whole Royals game. I might watch a little too. Should be fun to be normal for a little bit.
I'm just happy and grateful that things are going so well and that I have great friends and family. I imagined this being much worse than it truly was and I have everyone to thank.
Thank you,
I forgot to talked about removing the drain. After 2 days of having a drain set up to connect my CSF to the outside world, they thought the drainage was minimal and wanted to take it out. At first it was very red, but then it started looking like koolade( a good sign). That was a signal for it to be taken out. The nurse practioner cut the stitch holding the drain in place and then pulled the drain out. That didn't hurt at all. What hurt was she sterilized the area and put in stitch to close the hole where the drain came out. That hurt, but it was over quickly.
The wa the first step of my progress.
After the drain got pulled, I got to be a normal hospital room, not the ICU. This meant I could get up and use the bathroom and even walk around if I want to. It is really strange standing up after I had been laying down for 2 days. That and half of my vestibular system not working.
I have been a little more ache last night and today because they are decreasing my steroids. They had me on Decadron 10mg q 6hrs, and now I am on 4mg q 8 hours. I will just have to keep up with my pain medications to compensate for this.
Biggest news.....I'm home!
The doctor came in and asked if I wanted to leave on Monday. I said okay, but I was ready to go now. I was just getting bored there and I felt like I could do everything I needed to at home. The doctor's nurse practioner actually filled out the discharge planning the day before, so they were ready for me to leave.
I left the hospital around noon and Aaron got me set up on a couch and I snoozed there a little while. It feels really nice to be home, even if I am going to be a sloth.
I have occasional headaches, but my main issue is my tongue. It is healing and getting smaller, but I still don't trust myself with any sort of texture. I have this prescription mouthwash that is working, so I will keep doing that.
Now that I am home, Aaron doesn't have to split his life an two and he might actually stay awake for a whole Royals game. I might watch a little too. Should be fun to be normal for a little bit.
I'm just happy and grateful that things are going so well and that I have great friends and family. I imagined this being much worse than it truly was and I have everyone to thank.
Thank you,
Friday, October 3, 2014
3 days after surgery
I think things are going pretty good. The first few days were a little rough, but I feel like I have turned the corner to recovery.
Let me start with what I remember. I remember getting a dose of valium and being wheeled off to the MRI operating room. It did look a little different with metal panels on the walls. Then there were a lot of instruments. Then the anesthesiologist told me he was giving me the propofol and I remember nothing else about the surgery.
When I woke up after the surgery I was doing okay. I saw the anesthesiologist's face right in front of me talking to me. I could hear and understand everything, but my vision was really blurry. I mean like room spinning stuff. Then I felt my had being squeezed and it was Aaron. I was so happy to see him.
After I was done recovering they brought me to the ICU. At that time my head started hurting a lot and the medication wasn't coming as quickly as I anticipated and Aaron had to advocate for me a little. Later that night, I had a big episode of a headache and it felt like I was back in labor and delivery. I was writhing my legs and just repeating "please, please, please." That was my worst pain. After that it got better.
Also, it was during that night when I found out I had bad veins. They poked me over AND over again. I just kept my eyes shut and let them poke over and over. I really had no choice Not a restful night,
Oh, I should say the craziest thing that I did NOT anticipate is that my tongue has become swollen. It was really bad the first two nights, but now it is better (but not perfect). When they monitored my cranial nerves during surgery, they put a lot of electrodes IN my muscles, including my tongue. I can feel there was one on my chin, my forehead and on my scalp. I never had any problems breathing, but swallowing had become difficult. I guess about 25% of people get this outcome, but I never knew about it. Right now my tongue is slightly bigger than normal, tender and is starting to scab.
The last night of my ICU experiences, I had a peripheral IV that infiltrated. The problem with this is the liquid going in was a high dose of sodium it was causing pain and could cause permanent damage. So my nurse removed the IV, gave me shots around the infiltration site and told me to keep it elevated and put an ice pack on it as much as I could. I have been doing this and it helps.
Really though, my arms and hand are so bruised and scabbed, it is scary. Right now I have one peripheral IV that I am not really using. I am drinking all the fluid I need, I am taking all of my medications orally, so it is just there for precautions.
I will keep you updated when I know more.
Laura
Let me start with what I remember. I remember getting a dose of valium and being wheeled off to the MRI operating room. It did look a little different with metal panels on the walls. Then there were a lot of instruments. Then the anesthesiologist told me he was giving me the propofol and I remember nothing else about the surgery.
When I woke up after the surgery I was doing okay. I saw the anesthesiologist's face right in front of me talking to me. I could hear and understand everything, but my vision was really blurry. I mean like room spinning stuff. Then I felt my had being squeezed and it was Aaron. I was so happy to see him.
After I was done recovering they brought me to the ICU. At that time my head started hurting a lot and the medication wasn't coming as quickly as I anticipated and Aaron had to advocate for me a little. Later that night, I had a big episode of a headache and it felt like I was back in labor and delivery. I was writhing my legs and just repeating "please, please, please." That was my worst pain. After that it got better.
Also, it was during that night when I found out I had bad veins. They poked me over AND over again. I just kept my eyes shut and let them poke over and over. I really had no choice Not a restful night,
Oh, I should say the craziest thing that I did NOT anticipate is that my tongue has become swollen. It was really bad the first two nights, but now it is better (but not perfect). When they monitored my cranial nerves during surgery, they put a lot of electrodes IN my muscles, including my tongue. I can feel there was one on my chin, my forehead and on my scalp. I never had any problems breathing, but swallowing had become difficult. I guess about 25% of people get this outcome, but I never knew about it. Right now my tongue is slightly bigger than normal, tender and is starting to scab.
The last night of my ICU experiences, I had a peripheral IV that infiltrated. The problem with this is the liquid going in was a high dose of sodium it was causing pain and could cause permanent damage. So my nurse removed the IV, gave me shots around the infiltration site and told me to keep it elevated and put an ice pack on it as much as I could. I have been doing this and it helps.
Really though, my arms and hand are so bruised and scabbed, it is scary. Right now I have one peripheral IV that I am not really using. I am drinking all the fluid I need, I am taking all of my medications orally, so it is just there for precautions.
I will keep you updated when I know more.
Laura
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Surgery Day
Aaron here. The short version: As far as we can tell at this point, surgery was an unqualified success and Laura is recovering as well as we could have hoped. She immediately had muscle movement on the right side of her face, which was the thing she was most worried about.
The long version:
Almost as soon as we told him about the acoustic neuroma, my friend Ben offered to fly in from Chicago just to be with me for the day of surgery and told me to think about it. My initial thought was that it was too much for him to do, and that I would be OK, and thought I would tell him he did not need to. But the more I thought about it, the nicer it seemed, and though I almost felt guilty accepting, I ended up saying he should come. As the surgery got closer, the thought that Ben was going to be there with me became more and more comforting. Dean, Val, and Renae all had various kid duties the morning of the surgery, so right off the bat when Laura went to surgery I would have been alone for a bit if not for Ben, and he knew first-hand how miserable it can be to have to wait by yourself when your loved one heads off to surgery. Him coming just to sit with me all day was gigantically comforting and distracting in the best way, and it may be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Laura and I both actually slept pretty well the night before surgery, though we hadn't been sleeping great since the diagnosis. I know I was just relieved that it was finally here, and even as scary as the surgery was, knowing it was finally time was in some ways more tolerable than just waiting and worrying. Laura, Ben (who had flown in the evening before), and I woke up around 5:15 and got ready. Dean and Val came over to be with the still sleeping kids at 5:45, and we headed to the hospital, where we arrived around 6:15. We went to our first waiting room of the day and Laura had a brief meeting with someone, and I really don't even know what that meeting was. Just checking in basically I guess. Then we moved to our second waiting room in the pre-op area. They took just Laura back for about 45 minutes before calling Ben and me back to see her. She had had some consults with the doc who would be doing all the nerve monitoring plus the neurosurgeon. Right away they said surgery, scheduled for 8:30, would be delayed due to a doctor's meeting going long, so we just hung out in that room until around 9:10. Laura was a little anxious but in good spirits and joking with the nurses. I felt a little ill from nerves for a minute when the anesthesiologist came in to go over with her what all he was going to do. Then everyone and everything was finally ready for her in the special MRI operating room, so we said our goodbyes and Ben and I headed for our third waiting room where we would spend most of the day.
Renae joined us at 9:30, and I felt pretty good as we camped out there for the next eight and a half hours. I don't think that would have been the case without Ben and Renae there. Sometimes my mind would try to picture what Laura was going through and get me scared, but most of the time I was just enjoying their company. I was also happy to be distracted by reading all the updates online about the Royals playoff game to be played that night. We got occasional surgery updates from the waiting room receptionists. The first one came at 11:00, saying that the actual surgery itself had just started, which seemed really late to me, but I guess was just the normal progression after the long process of anesthesia and nerve monitoring electrodes being placed in a number of spots. From there the updates became very general, that "everything was going fine." By around 2:00 or 2:30 I was a little antsy from the lack of any specific updates even though I knew that meant things were probably going smoothly. Then around 3:00 came a better update that the surgeon thought he was done and would soon be doing the MRI to make sure he really was. At 4:30, the surgeon himself came to talk to us and brought a print-out showing the pre- and post-op MRIs, which he stressed was for Laura because he knew she'd want to see it. Things had gone to plan, and though Laura was still under at this point, they could tell the muscle movement nerve was responsive. Relief!
Renae had to leave for kid duty at 5:30, so she never did see Laura the day of surgery, but I was sure glad to have her there. I was allowed into the recovery room to see her at 5:45, and I had no idea what to expect as far as how she'd look, but she smiled at me right away and I told her the right side of her face was smiling too and she was obviously thrilled, even through the narcotic fog. There was gauze covering her head so there was no shocking wound to see. A drain is staying in her head for a few days, but the gauze covered that too. I was relieved how good she looked so soon after such major surgery. We got to grin at each other and hold hands for a few minutes, and I really don't remember what we talked about. She was in some pain, and requested more meds, which helped quickly. Then the recovery room nurse got word that the neuro ICU was ready for her, so I headed back to the waiting room to gather Ben and our stuff so we could head to yet another waiting room.
I should have known better, but I was expecting this step to go quickly and that I'd see her again soon in the ICU, but of course there was another longish wait before Ben and I both got to see her at 7:00. She was in a lot of head pain at this point, which was tough to see, and she was saying things like, "Why won't they give me pain meds?" though she had some in her system and the nurses were hurrying to get her more. Each dose of meds takes effect remarkably quickly, so there's fast relief when she needs more. After she felt a little better she asked if the Royals game had started yet! I couldn't believe it, but it told me a lot about how together she was. I laughed and told her I wasn't too worried about it, but that it started in 10 minutes. They wanted to get her into a gown so kicked us out at 7:15. I decided I'd wait to see her one more time before heading to Dean and Val's to get the kids and go home. We saw her again roughly 8:00--8:15 and she said multiple times, "The meds are managing my pain."
Relieved and drained, Ben and I headed for the car after 14 hours at the hospital. We gathered up the kids, neither of whom had slept a wink, and got them both in bed by 9:30. As if I hadn't had a long enough day, I couldn't wait to start watching the Royals game, which I'd avoided hearing anything about, from the beginning. Of course it turned out to be the craziest game ever and five hours long, though I zipped through it in three thanks to fast forwarding. Royals win! Laura doing as well as we could have hoped. Not a day I'll soon forget.
The long version:
Almost as soon as we told him about the acoustic neuroma, my friend Ben offered to fly in from Chicago just to be with me for the day of surgery and told me to think about it. My initial thought was that it was too much for him to do, and that I would be OK, and thought I would tell him he did not need to. But the more I thought about it, the nicer it seemed, and though I almost felt guilty accepting, I ended up saying he should come. As the surgery got closer, the thought that Ben was going to be there with me became more and more comforting. Dean, Val, and Renae all had various kid duties the morning of the surgery, so right off the bat when Laura went to surgery I would have been alone for a bit if not for Ben, and he knew first-hand how miserable it can be to have to wait by yourself when your loved one heads off to surgery. Him coming just to sit with me all day was gigantically comforting and distracting in the best way, and it may be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Laura and I both actually slept pretty well the night before surgery, though we hadn't been sleeping great since the diagnosis. I know I was just relieved that it was finally here, and even as scary as the surgery was, knowing it was finally time was in some ways more tolerable than just waiting and worrying. Laura, Ben (who had flown in the evening before), and I woke up around 5:15 and got ready. Dean and Val came over to be with the still sleeping kids at 5:45, and we headed to the hospital, where we arrived around 6:15. We went to our first waiting room of the day and Laura had a brief meeting with someone, and I really don't even know what that meeting was. Just checking in basically I guess. Then we moved to our second waiting room in the pre-op area. They took just Laura back for about 45 minutes before calling Ben and me back to see her. She had had some consults with the doc who would be doing all the nerve monitoring plus the neurosurgeon. Right away they said surgery, scheduled for 8:30, would be delayed due to a doctor's meeting going long, so we just hung out in that room until around 9:10. Laura was a little anxious but in good spirits and joking with the nurses. I felt a little ill from nerves for a minute when the anesthesiologist came in to go over with her what all he was going to do. Then everyone and everything was finally ready for her in the special MRI operating room, so we said our goodbyes and Ben and I headed for our third waiting room where we would spend most of the day.
Renae joined us at 9:30, and I felt pretty good as we camped out there for the next eight and a half hours. I don't think that would have been the case without Ben and Renae there. Sometimes my mind would try to picture what Laura was going through and get me scared, but most of the time I was just enjoying their company. I was also happy to be distracted by reading all the updates online about the Royals playoff game to be played that night. We got occasional surgery updates from the waiting room receptionists. The first one came at 11:00, saying that the actual surgery itself had just started, which seemed really late to me, but I guess was just the normal progression after the long process of anesthesia and nerve monitoring electrodes being placed in a number of spots. From there the updates became very general, that "everything was going fine." By around 2:00 or 2:30 I was a little antsy from the lack of any specific updates even though I knew that meant things were probably going smoothly. Then around 3:00 came a better update that the surgeon thought he was done and would soon be doing the MRI to make sure he really was. At 4:30, the surgeon himself came to talk to us and brought a print-out showing the pre- and post-op MRIs, which he stressed was for Laura because he knew she'd want to see it. Things had gone to plan, and though Laura was still under at this point, they could tell the muscle movement nerve was responsive. Relief!
Renae had to leave for kid duty at 5:30, so she never did see Laura the day of surgery, but I was sure glad to have her there. I was allowed into the recovery room to see her at 5:45, and I had no idea what to expect as far as how she'd look, but she smiled at me right away and I told her the right side of her face was smiling too and she was obviously thrilled, even through the narcotic fog. There was gauze covering her head so there was no shocking wound to see. A drain is staying in her head for a few days, but the gauze covered that too. I was relieved how good she looked so soon after such major surgery. We got to grin at each other and hold hands for a few minutes, and I really don't remember what we talked about. She was in some pain, and requested more meds, which helped quickly. Then the recovery room nurse got word that the neuro ICU was ready for her, so I headed back to the waiting room to gather Ben and our stuff so we could head to yet another waiting room.
I should have known better, but I was expecting this step to go quickly and that I'd see her again soon in the ICU, but of course there was another longish wait before Ben and I both got to see her at 7:00. She was in a lot of head pain at this point, which was tough to see, and she was saying things like, "Why won't they give me pain meds?" though she had some in her system and the nurses were hurrying to get her more. Each dose of meds takes effect remarkably quickly, so there's fast relief when she needs more. After she felt a little better she asked if the Royals game had started yet! I couldn't believe it, but it told me a lot about how together she was. I laughed and told her I wasn't too worried about it, but that it started in 10 minutes. They wanted to get her into a gown so kicked us out at 7:15. I decided I'd wait to see her one more time before heading to Dean and Val's to get the kids and go home. We saw her again roughly 8:00--8:15 and she said multiple times, "The meds are managing my pain."
Relieved and drained, Ben and I headed for the car after 14 hours at the hospital. We gathered up the kids, neither of whom had slept a wink, and got them both in bed by 9:30. As if I hadn't had a long enough day, I couldn't wait to start watching the Royals game, which I'd avoided hearing anything about, from the beginning. Of course it turned out to be the craziest game ever and five hours long, though I zipped through it in three thanks to fast forwarding. Royals win! Laura doing as well as we could have hoped. Not a day I'll soon forget.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Cramming in all the normalcy
I had a great day today.
I woke up early with the kids and took Henry to gymnastics. I grabbed a bagel, a cup of decaf and my laptop. I was thinking I would maybe write another post about how yesterday was my last day at work. It felt weird, like when you graduate grade school on the last day of school. I was going to say how exhausting it is to tell patients you have a brain tumor and how now the normal day to day things are for sure changing. But I didn't write that post. In fact, I never even turned on the computer.
Even though I talk a lot at work and seem pretty personable, I consider myself a shy person. If I don't know someone, it would take a LOT for me to randomly talk to them. I guess I'm okay with this, but I do feel like I am missing out on some opportunities. Anyway, when I went to sit down at gymnastics, it was very busy, and everyone was close quarters. Because of this, I asked permission to sit next to this guy. Of course he said yes, then he made a joke about me not getting him a bagel. I smiled and said "next time" and then mentioned something generic about how it is really hard to see my son in the room because the lack of view. Then, from that time on, we just talked, THE WHOLE HOUR. I am not normally like this, but it was nice and the time went fast. He also has a son in gymnastics that is much more advanced and it was interesting hearing his opinion. Maybe I need to force myself to talk to people. During this conversation I kept thinking it would have gone differently if I was talking to him 2 weeks from now.
After that, I went downtown for my 3rd ballet class. It was great. I never was big on dance as a kid, but now I am starting to appreciate it, and I feel like my body is responding well. I hope to get back to it fairly soon after the surgery. If anything, it would be good therapy for my balance.
Once I got home, we went apple picking. I always want to do it every year, so we figured this would be the only time. The kids did great, although at the end, Henry got scared of all the bees. Now we have a huge bag of Honey Crisp apples that is sure to last us at least a week.
Now the kids are in bed, happily exhausted.
Me, well my mind vacillates. Because I feel normal, it is really easy to forget anything is wrong. When I do remember, I start thinking about the future and the unknown. I also think about waking up from surgery and how I will have a headache, be tired and nauseous. I will be repeatedly asked to do lots of tests of my cranial nerves, and I also want to be awake when my family comes. How hard is it going to be to stay awake? Can I just force my body to do it? Am I going to vomit (I hate vomit)? I hope my body heals quickly.
Even though I go through all of these thoughts, I know this is the right choice. There really is no alternative, not for the size of my tumor. I love my life. I love my husband, my kids and family. I have a great job and great things to do when I am not working. This is what I need to do to preserve this, so I will be brave.
I woke up early with the kids and took Henry to gymnastics. I grabbed a bagel, a cup of decaf and my laptop. I was thinking I would maybe write another post about how yesterday was my last day at work. It felt weird, like when you graduate grade school on the last day of school. I was going to say how exhausting it is to tell patients you have a brain tumor and how now the normal day to day things are for sure changing. But I didn't write that post. In fact, I never even turned on the computer.
Even though I talk a lot at work and seem pretty personable, I consider myself a shy person. If I don't know someone, it would take a LOT for me to randomly talk to them. I guess I'm okay with this, but I do feel like I am missing out on some opportunities. Anyway, when I went to sit down at gymnastics, it was very busy, and everyone was close quarters. Because of this, I asked permission to sit next to this guy. Of course he said yes, then he made a joke about me not getting him a bagel. I smiled and said "next time" and then mentioned something generic about how it is really hard to see my son in the room because the lack of view. Then, from that time on, we just talked, THE WHOLE HOUR. I am not normally like this, but it was nice and the time went fast. He also has a son in gymnastics that is much more advanced and it was interesting hearing his opinion. Maybe I need to force myself to talk to people. During this conversation I kept thinking it would have gone differently if I was talking to him 2 weeks from now.
After that, I went downtown for my 3rd ballet class. It was great. I never was big on dance as a kid, but now I am starting to appreciate it, and I feel like my body is responding well. I hope to get back to it fairly soon after the surgery. If anything, it would be good therapy for my balance.
Once I got home, we went apple picking. I always want to do it every year, so we figured this would be the only time. The kids did great, although at the end, Henry got scared of all the bees. Now we have a huge bag of Honey Crisp apples that is sure to last us at least a week.
Now the kids are in bed, happily exhausted.
Me, well my mind vacillates. Because I feel normal, it is really easy to forget anything is wrong. When I do remember, I start thinking about the future and the unknown. I also think about waking up from surgery and how I will have a headache, be tired and nauseous. I will be repeatedly asked to do lots of tests of my cranial nerves, and I also want to be awake when my family comes. How hard is it going to be to stay awake? Can I just force my body to do it? Am I going to vomit (I hate vomit)? I hope my body heals quickly.
Even though I go through all of these thoughts, I know this is the right choice. There really is no alternative, not for the size of my tumor. I love my life. I love my husband, my kids and family. I have a great job and great things to do when I am not working. This is what I need to do to preserve this, so I will be brave.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Today
I think weekends are bad for me. There is too much time, too much time to think and too much time to worry
These last few days I have been working, and I feel pretty normal, like no growth in the head normal. Still, I am counting down the days until surgery. Both Aaron and I are ready to move on to the next phase. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am overacting. Is this really a big thing? I mean, really? I will be fine after surgery, just some possible side effects. It could be worse, right?
Then I tell myself that brain surgery is probably the biggest type of surgery out there. Healing time is 3 months of not being yourself. It sounds like a big deal.
Right now, I am not so afraid of things. I have to trust myself. I am usually a pretty positive hard working person. I have to think that I will be able to deal with whatever happens.
That is where I'm at right now.
These last few days I have been working, and I feel pretty normal, like no growth in the head normal. Still, I am counting down the days until surgery. Both Aaron and I are ready to move on to the next phase. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am overacting. Is this really a big thing? I mean, really? I will be fine after surgery, just some possible side effects. It could be worse, right?
Then I tell myself that brain surgery is probably the biggest type of surgery out there. Healing time is 3 months of not being yourself. It sounds like a big deal.
Right now, I am not so afraid of things. I have to trust myself. I am usually a pretty positive hard working person. I have to think that I will be able to deal with whatever happens.
That is where I'm at right now.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Fear
Last night I couldn't sleep, and I know why. I was scared for the future.
Yesterday the neurosurgeon finished his office note and sent me a copy. I don't know why, but I read it eagerly. When I met with him, he asked me very specific questions about the sensory and motor nerves in my face. I told him the numbness in my lower right face, and I thought that was all that was involved. Apparently he saw that the muscles in my face are a little asymmetrical at rest or something (can't quite understand this part of my note). When I smiled big at the office he said it was good, so I thought he agreed that my seventh nerve is unaffected, but I was mistaken.
So, I did what anyone in my situation would do, I had a session with the mirror. I made lots of funny faces, smiled and then made my face blank. To be honest, I can't tell a difference at rest. When I smile big, there are two creases in my left cheek, but only one in my right, but that is it. I've been playing trombone fine, so it can't be that bad. Is it there, or is what ever he saw just me normally? I don't know.
The reason this scares me is that if there is a current deficit now, I feel like there is a more chance of big damage after the surgery. I don't want to be paralyzed in half my face. I feel it would be very had to be a doctor and go into each room trying to talk about their children when all the parents are thinking is "what is wrong with this girls face." Every day I will have to re-hash what happened and why I am left like this.
Still, having worry never changes the outcome. What will be will be. All the worry is doing is not letting me enjoy the present. I wish I could just turn that portion of my brain off.
Also, there was another part of that letter made me cringe a little. It doesn't change anything, but he called it a brain tumor. I like to technically say that it is a growth from the sheath lining of the vestibular portion of cranial nerve eight extending into the skull and pushing on the brain. I guess it is just semantics.
Yesterday the neurosurgeon finished his office note and sent me a copy. I don't know why, but I read it eagerly. When I met with him, he asked me very specific questions about the sensory and motor nerves in my face. I told him the numbness in my lower right face, and I thought that was all that was involved. Apparently he saw that the muscles in my face are a little asymmetrical at rest or something (can't quite understand this part of my note). When I smiled big at the office he said it was good, so I thought he agreed that my seventh nerve is unaffected, but I was mistaken.
So, I did what anyone in my situation would do, I had a session with the mirror. I made lots of funny faces, smiled and then made my face blank. To be honest, I can't tell a difference at rest. When I smile big, there are two creases in my left cheek, but only one in my right, but that is it. I've been playing trombone fine, so it can't be that bad. Is it there, or is what ever he saw just me normally? I don't know.
The reason this scares me is that if there is a current deficit now, I feel like there is a more chance of big damage after the surgery. I don't want to be paralyzed in half my face. I feel it would be very had to be a doctor and go into each room trying to talk about their children when all the parents are thinking is "what is wrong with this girls face." Every day I will have to re-hash what happened and why I am left like this.
Still, having worry never changes the outcome. What will be will be. All the worry is doing is not letting me enjoy the present. I wish I could just turn that portion of my brain off.
Also, there was another part of that letter made me cringe a little. It doesn't change anything, but he called it a brain tumor. I like to technically say that it is a growth from the sheath lining of the vestibular portion of cranial nerve eight extending into the skull and pushing on the brain. I guess it is just semantics.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Surgery Date
Well, it is official. Brain surgery on 9-30-14. The day before I will be getting an MRI and they will glue things on my scalp (probably for more accurate locations of things). Then I go to the hospital at 6:30. I think I will be the first and only case in that room, and what a room it is.
Here are the specifics of my surgery:
One exceptional neurosurgeon
One neurophysiologist - his whole job is to monitor my cranial nerves to make sure nothing
happens to them.
One anesthesiologist who also put the exceptional neurosurgeon to sleep once. I guess this guy
can be trusted.
One special room. The actual room is an MRI machine so they can repeat the MRI that was
taken a day before the surgery. They can make sure RIGHT away that things are good.
These things comfort me. I will be getting the BEST care. I wish I didn't need it, but I do. Whatever happens after surgery, if bad, I know it couldn't be prevented. If it is good, I owe it all to the above.
Here are the specifics of my surgery:
One exceptional neurosurgeon
One neurophysiologist - his whole job is to monitor my cranial nerves to make sure nothing
happens to them.
One anesthesiologist who also put the exceptional neurosurgeon to sleep once. I guess this guy
can be trusted.
One special room. The actual room is an MRI machine so they can repeat the MRI that was
taken a day before the surgery. They can make sure RIGHT away that things are good.
These things comfort me. I will be getting the BEST care. I wish I didn't need it, but I do. Whatever happens after surgery, if bad, I know it couldn't be prevented. If it is good, I owe it all to the above.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Band
Tonight I went to my last band rehearsal. When I got there, I told all the trombones what was going on and that I am having surgery:
I can't play immediately because I need to heal
I can't play soon because it increases intracranial pressure
Maybe I'll never play (if my cranial nerves get injured)
Yuck! Music makes me happy. When you are playing a piece and the band is acting like one and everything is clicking, you feel you are DOING something. Your whole body and mind are all about this one instant. That's an amazing feeling.
I hope I get to do it again.
I can't play immediately because I need to heal
I can't play soon because it increases intracranial pressure
Maybe I'll never play (if my cranial nerves get injured)
Yuck! Music makes me happy. When you are playing a piece and the band is acting like one and everything is clicking, you feel you are DOING something. Your whole body and mind are all about this one instant. That's an amazing feeling.
I hope I get to do it again.
Monday, September 15, 2014
9-15-14
Today Aaron and I met with another surgeon. This time it was a neuro ENT guy who does the surgery in collaboration with a neurosurgeon. When we first got there, for some reason he felt the need to tell Aaron how MRIs work in detail (polarization of water and veins show up better than arteries and other stuff). If was fine, and maybe a little amusing on my end. When you look at my MRI, there is no doubt there is something going on, no matter if you understand the physics behind it or not.
Once he analyzed my MRI, he felt like it needed to be dealt with in 2 stages (just like the other guy), but the difference was, that he wanted to do two surgeries separated by 3 or so months. When I heard that, my heart sank. I don't want to do two surgeries. Still, if it is better, well, then that is what I need to do. We asked him about a second surgery vs radiation and he immediately knew who we went to for our other opinion. He stated that both approaches were fine, but he preferred surgery because radiation always carries some risk of cancer and if there is a small piece that is not irradiated, the acoustic neuroma might grow back.
After we left the office Aaron and I got talking. His reasons weren't enough to convince me I would need another whole surgery with the long recovery. I will probably have a brain MRI every year for the rest of my life. If the neuroma is still there, we will see it and monitor it. The risk of cancer from the radiation is very very low. They use a low amount and it is very directed.
Also, we met him, but not the neurosurgeon, who would be doing most of the surgery. We looked him up and he is younger than our other doctor, so he has less experience. That can count for a lot.
Because of these reasons, we decided to go with the first neurosurgeon. We don't have an official date yet, but likely the end of this month, or beginning of next.
I am going back to work tomorrow. I will try to keep up normal appearances, but it will only be a mask.
Once he analyzed my MRI, he felt like it needed to be dealt with in 2 stages (just like the other guy), but the difference was, that he wanted to do two surgeries separated by 3 or so months. When I heard that, my heart sank. I don't want to do two surgeries. Still, if it is better, well, then that is what I need to do. We asked him about a second surgery vs radiation and he immediately knew who we went to for our other opinion. He stated that both approaches were fine, but he preferred surgery because radiation always carries some risk of cancer and if there is a small piece that is not irradiated, the acoustic neuroma might grow back.
After we left the office Aaron and I got talking. His reasons weren't enough to convince me I would need another whole surgery with the long recovery. I will probably have a brain MRI every year for the rest of my life. If the neuroma is still there, we will see it and monitor it. The risk of cancer from the radiation is very very low. They use a low amount and it is very directed.
Also, we met him, but not the neurosurgeon, who would be doing most of the surgery. We looked him up and he is younger than our other doctor, so he has less experience. That can count for a lot.
Because of these reasons, we decided to go with the first neurosurgeon. We don't have an official date yet, but likely the end of this month, or beginning of next.
I am going back to work tomorrow. I will try to keep up normal appearances, but it will only be a mask.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Ballet
To be honest, that was a thrilling thought for me. I know
ballet is intense and demanding, but it is also graceful and beautiful. I have never done any dance as a child except
one ballet class as a 3 or 4 year old. When I had to dance for musicals for
school, I would always just do the basic movements as perfectly as I could, but
that wasn’t all people wanted. You needed attitude or style or something that I
was clearly missing. Still, this seemed
like a good adventure for me. Something to try and learn and improve at.
I scoured all of the local dance studios and there were
quite a lot of options, but most were not feasible because of my job. The one I
settled on was one downtown that had lost of beginning adult ballet sessions
including a fundamental class. This is the one I signed up for weeks ago.
I didn’t know about my acoustic neuroma at that point. I
tried to cancel but couldn’t find an easy way to do it online, so I just
decided to go for it. If anything it would be a good distraction.
So I went, and it was wonderful.
It was a very full class of beginners like me. There were
quite a few guys there. Most were younger than me, but a couple were older. I
didn’t feel out of place at all. I didn’t really have a ballet outfit, so I
wore leggings and a t-shirt with my newly purchased ballet shoes. I looked like
everyone else.
The teacher of the course was a professional dancer for 20
some odd years and seemed to be a great guy. He was interesting, funny and gave
us the basics in both English and their official name. We did lots of things; learned foot and arm
position, did barre work as well as learned how to walk ballet style. None of it was especially hard work for the
body, but it took concentration to get thing right. The hour and a half session was over in a
heartbeat. I felt great. It was fun, and
I felt normal again, if just for a little while.
I can’t wait to go again
9-13-14
9-13-14
I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m always exhausted, but
now I can never get the thoughts away. At first, it was that I was scared for
my life, but now it is whatever the next step are. I just think about it and go
over and over the dialogues in my head.
Besides learning the absolute diagnosis, last night I was
worried about telling my mom. As soon as
it was official, we left and went to talk to my mom. Despite my worries, she
took the news well. I mean, this isn’t
cancer. So that much is good. It can be
cured, that is also good. This means
major surgery for me, not so good, in fact the worst part.
My goal was to tell everyone in person, but I needed Renae’s
help, so I had to tell her on the phone.
That wasn’t too much fun. Then I
told my Dad. I think because I told two
other people, I was feeling rehearsed and maybe told things too fast, but it
was okay.
So now the next steps are telling my brother in Texas and
all of Aaron’s family and then close friends and family.
For the friends, who do I decide to tell? Hi, how are you doing, I am going to need
brain surgery. Ugh. It’s like I have to re-hash things over and
over. But, my friends deserve to know. They have been good friends and I have
shared in their happiness. They can share in my sorrow.
Then what after that I guess facebook. I have been weaning
off fb reciently, but is reason to restart.
I wish the world knew and we can all move on.
I feel like I have. And when I start to doubt it, I have a
picture of my MRI scan in my phone that I have glimpsed at to revive my
reality.
9-12-14
9-12-14
It’s only 8pm and I’m exhausted. I guess my body has been in
high stress mode for two days and I am finally allowing it to relax. I have an
official diagnosis: Acoustic Neuroma, just like I thought. Again, it is bigger
than most, like I thought. AND BENIGN.
This morning I hoped it was this diagnosis, but I couldn’t
be sure. My ENT doctor called me early in the morning and confirmed the
diagnosis and talked a little bit about the implications. He said it was large
and surgery is my best option. He referred me to his partner, who specializes
in neuro ENT stuff. I got a call back within an hour from his nurse setting up
an appointment for me on Monday (today is Friday).
Then I got a call from my boss giving me a neurosurgeon’s
name that he recommends. I called this neurosurgeon and got squeezed in today.
I brought Aaron with me to the appointment with the
neurosurgeon, and he did everything I wished him to do. He again stated this
was BENIGN and slow growing. He spoke slowly to make sure we understood things.
He had my MRI images on the screen for all to see (I didn’t really want to see
it any more but it was probably good for Aaron). Then he went into the details. He talked
about different therapies for treatment and which one is the best for me. He said, the best thing would be a large
de-bulking surgery that doesn’t remove everything, but most of it so the
brainstem can shift back to normal This would give my cranial nerves the best
chance to still function (because right now they are doing pretty good – well except
cranial nerve 8). During the surgery,
one doctor would be in charge of only monitoring my cranial nerves, and the
whole surgery would be done in an MRI machine so they could get information
right after my surgery. I would be in
the ICU overnight to a few days and in the hospital from 5 – 14 days. After I was fully healed (maybe about a
month), then they would do radiation to catch the remaining bits of the
neuroma. At that’s it, I’m all healed.
They did say that after surgery I would be really really
tired. I mentioned that I got a headache after running sometimes on my long
runs, and they were happy to have me so athletic. They thought both the
physical and mental characteristics of an athlete might help me progress
quicker. And that is exactly what I want
to do. They said that I should continue
acting how I normally am until the surgery (in 2-4 weeks).
After I left, I felt better.
I thought this was going to be the second worst day of my life (with
yesterday taking the top billing), but I’m okay. I feel relief. It is going to be okay. This neurosurgeon has
a plan.
About an hour after the appointment I ate 2 bowls of cereal. This was more than I ate all day.
And now the stress is leaving my body, and telling myself
that I am okay with this. This is what I have to do to get better, so I will do
it and move on.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
July 18 2014
We'll, it finally happened. We won a game, but not just won it, but creamed the other team. The game was over because we were beating them 10. Aaron and I had a great double play. Crazy times.
July 26 2104
Trying to be the sporty mom, I went on a bike ride with the kiddos. I ended up breaking the back window on our car. I think they will never come on a bike ride again.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
July 16 2014
A visit to the dentist for Hanky. No cavities. The kids and I cooked banana bread together. They are good helpers and the banana bread was delicious.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
July 15 2014
An after work run to the farmers market gets the benefit of wine jelly and playground time for Aaron.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
July 14 2014
I didn't take any photos yesterday. I just forgot. I had work, then played with the kids while Aaron cooked dinner, then grabbed fast food because we didn't have all the ingredients for said dinner, then put the kids to bed, then fell asleep watching home run derby.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
July 13 2014
Even if the checkout lady says it is a good idea, don't believe her. Grilled watermelon tastes BAD.
70° Sunny
Saturday, July 12, 2014
July 11 2014
Oh no! I forgot to take any pictures. Here is Aaron playing sudoku. He says he's getting better. I believe him.
July 12 2014
I had a running breakthrough today. Ever since I hurt my ankle I have been running slow. I thought I lost my cardiovascular fitness, but the other day I checked my resting heart rate and it was nice and low. So, what was stopping me? I figured it must be my mind, so today I set out to run a 5k as fast as I could. And you know what? I ran fast. Faster than I have ran in about a year. It felt good.
Sent from my iPhone
Also, Henry has officially finished his baseball season by playing his last game at the All-Star Fanfest. It was pretty cool.
75° Mostly Sunny
Thursday, July 10, 2014
July 10 2014
My mom always did crafts with us and I have started the kids early. They love it! I've been thinking about fabric stenciling for a long time and we finally did it. Like most of my projects, my expectations were higher than reality. I've got to lower my bar!
81° Sunny
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
July 9 2014
We had a great busy day. Henry had invention camp where he creates all the time. We had friends over and played outside. Yet tonight both kids were a crying mess at bedtime. Not the ending I wanted but I guess I can't win at everything.
70° Sunny
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
July 8 2014
The kids are always happy in the morning. Makes it ok to wake up at 6am.
70° Partly Cloudy
Monday, July 7, 2014
July 7 2014
Work after a holiday weekend always seem long. At least I got to splash in some puddles.
70° Partly Cloudy
July 6 2014
Kids were getting squirrelly today so brought them to an indoor playground and let them play until they were just laying on the ground. After that they were much better behaved.
72° Sunny
Saturday, July 5, 2014
July 5th 2014
79° Mostly Cloudy
Friday, July 4, 2014
Jul 3, 2014
A Great dinner of Salmon on the grill with smashed potatoes and grilled pineapple
75° Sunny
Royals
We ate fresh fruits, vegetables and eggs that I made into strawberry/rhubarb compote, banana bread and lentils with vegeatables. We lived outdoors. Aaron took a run outside; I took a run outside. Henry played in the park, we went to a Royals game and we played on bikes/baseball in the evening.
By the time I knew it, it was bedtime for the kids (and then me shortly after).
It just was fun
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
And nice spring day.
I have a great job where I am lucky enough to have a whole day off in the middle of the week. This gives me time to run errands, do things I need to do, make appointments and blah blah blah. I find this day busier than all the other days combined. Still, I am doing what I choose to do so that in itself says something.
Let me tell you what I did today. Unfortunately, I had to set the alarm and wake up promptly at 630 a.m.. I had to bring my old car to the shop because I accidentally tore off the right rear view mirror. How was I supposed to know garages are so small? Anyway, I dropped off my car and then my sister pick me up and I spent the morning with my mom and my sisters 2 great kids. Ruby was busy crawling around in cruising around everything and Malcolm was busy doing his yoga. 1 of the great things about moving to minnesota ( in the sad thing about leaving kansas city) is the day today things that I get to see/miss.
Aaron dropped off Henry at school and picked me up and I came home briefly and then Frances and I went to storytime. She loves this so much it's fun to see how much she participates in enjoys everything about it. After story time I picked up Henry and ran a quick errand and then brought Henry to gymnastics and then piano lessons.
After that, I'm excited to say, that I finally ran outside for the first time this season. Aaron did it this morning and I was quite jealous. It was still very cold and there's lotsa snow but after about a mile your body gets used to it and you can just enjoy being outside. After running miles and miles on the treadmill, it is so invigorating to go outside.
Once I get home Aaron was hungry so we went out to eat. And now tonight I will go to Community Band, which is something I've recently added to my life. Well, sort of. I was actually in this band about 10 years ago before I started med school and loved it tremendously. I had to stop playing trombone once things got more busy, but now I think I have the time. My lip is definitely shot and I will be working hard to get it to an acceptable level. Both my kids like it when I play trombone at home so that is good good motivation. Once I get home from band and I will probably watch comedy bang bang or something else and then go to bed. Well, that's all. I'm not sure why I told you all this, maybe it's interesting, maybe it's not but you can decide for yourself.
Friday, March 21, 2014
On my phone
Ok ok . It's been about a year since I've posted and things have gotten a little busier. I find myself doing other things besides a computer at night and my internet is blocked for bloggers at work. So what's a girl to do?
I'll tell you what dot dot dot find a phone app for blogging. Right now my phone has the great function of turning voice to text and I'm trying it out. Maybe this keep the family updated a little bit more on things.
Well gosh what am I supposed to say that sums up a whole year? I could say so much but my mind finds so little.
Maybe I'll just start with something simple. Lets Start with Frances and my now. 2 year old girl . She is now have a crazy crazy age where she wants to do everything herself. I want something done I try to trick her to think it was her idea in the first place. For instance sometimes she doesn't want to go to bed and stands in the crib and jumps around. I ask her when she is ready to lay down and then leave the room. As soon as I start to leave she says "ready" and lays down. Then I can tuch her in and say goodnight. Also getting in the car is a nightmare. What you to take 3 minutes now drags out for almost 10 minutes. She has to decide which shoes to put on which coat to put on and if she's going to be putting on a coat and if she is able to be put in the car seat or if she has to climb up a and if she buckles herself or lets us do it. It's a pain in the b*** and I often turn to bribery such as a piece of candy or a toy or doll or even a dumb song. Henry was such a compliant kid, this throws me for a little loop.
Still we're doing ok. We are taking extra time, we give her choices if is one if available and let her cry if she needs to. And besides that she is great; she can be the sweetest thing on the planet in those moments make it worth it.
That's a pretty good start and I'll try to continue it as I can.
Friday, January 17, 2014
videos
Hi Mom! I occasionally post short iPhone video clips here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUSntdpI9G4mV-j_ty7BaAyg
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