Cramming in all the normalcy

I had a great day today.

I woke up early with the kids and took Henry to gymnastics. I grabbed a bagel, a cup of decaf and my laptop. I was thinking I would maybe write another post about how yesterday was my last day at work. It felt weird, like when you graduate grade school on the last day of school. I was going to say how exhausting it is to tell patients you have a brain tumor and how now the normal day to day things are for sure changing. But I didn't write that post. In fact, I never even turned on the computer.

Even though I talk a lot at work and seem pretty personable, I consider myself a shy person. If I don't know someone, it would take a LOT for me to randomly talk to them. I guess I'm okay with this, but I do feel like I am missing out on some opportunities. Anyway, when I went to sit down at gymnastics, it was very busy, and everyone was close quarters. Because of this, I asked permission to sit next to this guy. Of course he said yes, then he made a joke about me not getting him a bagel. I smiled and said "next time" and then mentioned something generic about how it is really hard to see my son in the room because the lack of view. Then, from that time on, we just talked, THE WHOLE HOUR.  I am not normally like this, but it was nice and the time went fast. He also has a son in gymnastics that is much more advanced and it was interesting hearing his opinion.  Maybe I need to force myself to talk to people.  During this conversation I kept thinking it would have gone differently if I was talking to him 2 weeks from now.

After that, I went downtown for my 3rd ballet class. It was great. I never was big on dance as a kid, but now I am starting to appreciate it, and I feel like my body is responding well.  I hope to get back to it fairly soon after the surgery. If anything, it would be good therapy for my balance.

Once I got home, we went apple picking. I always want to do it every year, so we figured this would be the only time. The kids did great, although at the end, Henry got scared of all the bees.  Now we have a huge bag of Honey Crisp apples that is sure to last us at least a week.

Now the kids are in bed, happily exhausted.

Me, well my mind vacillates. Because I feel normal, it is really easy to forget anything is wrong. When I do remember, I start thinking about the future and the unknown. I also think about waking up from surgery and how I will have a headache, be tired and nauseous. I will be repeatedly asked to do lots of tests of my cranial nerves, and I also want to be awake when my family comes. How hard is it going to be to stay awake? Can I just force my body to do it?  Am I going to vomit (I hate vomit)? I hope my body heals quickly.

Even though I go through all of these thoughts, I know this is the right choice. There really is no alternative, not for the size of my tumor. I love my life. I love my husband, my kids and family. I have a great job and great things to do when I am not working. This is what I need to do to preserve this, so I will be brave.