Fear

Last night I couldn't sleep, and I know why. I was scared for the future.

Yesterday the neurosurgeon finished his office note and sent me a copy.  I don't know why, but I read it eagerly. When I met with him, he asked me very specific questions about the sensory and motor nerves in my face. I told him the numbness in my lower right face, and I thought that was all that was involved. Apparently he saw that the muscles in my face are a little asymmetrical at rest or something (can't quite understand this part of my note). When I smiled big at the office he said it was good, so I thought he agreed that my seventh nerve is unaffected, but I was mistaken.

So, I did what anyone in my situation would do, I had a session with the mirror. I made lots of funny faces, smiled and then made my face blank. To be honest, I can't tell a difference at rest. When I smile big, there are two creases in my left cheek, but only one in my right, but that is it. I've been playing trombone fine, so it can't be that bad.  Is it there, or is what ever he saw just me normally? I don't know.

The reason this scares me is that if there is a current deficit now, I feel like there is a more chance of big damage after the surgery. I don't want to be paralyzed in half my face. I feel it would be very had to be a doctor and go into each room trying to talk about their children when all the parents are thinking is "what is wrong with this girls face."  Every day I will have to re-hash what happened and why I am left like this.

Still, having worry never changes the outcome. What will be will be. All the worry is doing is not letting me enjoy the present.  I wish I could just turn that portion of my brain off.

Also, there was another part of that letter made me cringe a little. It doesn't change anything, but he called it a brain tumor. I like to technically say that it is a growth from the sheath lining of the vestibular portion of cranial nerve eight extending into the skull and pushing on the brain.  I guess it is just semantics.