20/30

This week I started to feel the effects of the radiation. 

I have had more headaches. They are still mild, but they have been forcing me to take medication more and sometimes I wake up with a headache.  You are not supposed to wake up with a headache, but then I think "oh yeah, I have a brain tumor." Worse case scenario is already here.

I can manage the headache. Really, they are not too bad. What has been hard is the fatigue. I have been pretty worthless at home and am going to bed right after the kids (okay, once I did before).  With the tiredness, I think I could fight it and rally and stay up later, but I am trying to give my body what it needs.  I feel like it if wants me to sleep, well than, I should let it.

I have also been listening to my body food wise. Last week I bought a bunch of fruit!  Mmmm, it has tasted so good: pineapple, grapefruit, apple, banana, orange and more.  I also have been wanting red meat.  With my funny radiation schedule, I eat my lunch in the car, this has meant a lot of beef jerky.

Last Friday I went to my radiation appointment and in front of me was a 75ish year old woman who obviously had never been there before and was getting many forms to fill out. She was in a wheel chair and had a little turban to cover up her hair loss. She was accompanied by someone I assume was her daughter. The front desk was especially nice to her and she seemed to appreciate it. When we got into the waiting room, another women with hair loss, but some regrowth started talking to the new women.  She stated that she didn't know what the new women was going to do, but that she recommended this place highly for the radiation, but more importantly for the people who work here. Everyone has treated her so well and she is so appreciative. The new women thanked her and said that this appointment was to see if radiation was a good idea or not. Because of this conversation, the front desk attendant came over and thanked the women who spoke so highly of the staff. Then there was some crying, hugging and maybe some blubbering.

While this whole things was going on, I was sitting right next to them trying to ignore them and focus on my phone.  At first I was thinking maybe I should say my two cents on everything, but then I thought I didn't even know what my two cents were and that I was here for a little bit of a different circumstance.  With the two in front of me, I assume they both have cancer. In fact, I assume the talkative one has breast cancer because she grabbed herself when she was talking about the radiation. Both of these people have lived longer lives than me, and I assume more complete. They came here with a death sentence and will leave with hope.

While I was thinking about this, I suddenly felt that I was being very ungrateful about everything. Ok, I don't have cancer, but I do have a BRAIN TUMOR. If I don't do this radiation, it could very well kill me eventually. So, what they are doing, is saving my life.  Why shouldn't I be more happy about this? Every one who works there is certainly nice. They always have a friendly smile.  When I go into the treatment room, I put on my gear and I am unable to talk. Maybe that is it, maybe that is why I feel I have not bonded with everyone. 

No, that is really not the case (although it doesn't help).  I am not really and extravert, although I am not an introvert either. I am in the middle. I can be friendly and talkative, but it takes time. I need to warm to you. I also need to be in the right mindset. When I come for radiation, I am not coming because I want to, I am coming because I have to, and that makes me a little more quiet.  I also know that my prognosis is probably better than anyone else in the waiting room, and for that I feel a little different.

I don't know.   No body gave me the book to read about how I am supposed to act and feel ( I wish they would, I am a good book reader).  I can only act like I am and how I feel, any different would be a front. Sometimes I feel like I should act weaker and just stay at home and sulk, and then sometimes I just want to do everything I normally do (actually most times).

I only have 10 more treatment.  I feel like I am in the home stretch. I only have a couple more weeks until I get this all over and done with and can put it in the past. In the mean time, I will eat what I want, sleep when I want and will try to simply acknowledge all that I feel.