Bowling

 Today was Henry's first day of spring break and my last day of half days. To celebrate, we went to Pinstripes. We have been to the one in Kansas City, and I know now it is exactly the same as the one in Minneapolis. Even Frances said that she remembered this from before.

 These first two pictures are the only ones that I took. All of the following are Henry's pictures (although there might be a couple from Frances at the end).  I think Henry was able to capture the spirit of the day more than I was able to. When I take a picture, I am thinking of all the technical parts of the shot  He just takes a picture and that is it.  Sometimes it is better. Take a look for yourself.

Franny's ball, looking good.

Making sure her hands and hair are feeling dry

Love this one!

Pushing buttons before she can bowl

Mom, don't look at me, keep doing what you are doing

Acupuncture

 I am all done with radiation!  Yippee!  It was such a great relief leaving that place for the last time.  I just can't describe it.

 I am feeling pretty good. I am still working half days and I usually nap for about 45 minutes in the afternoon. I don't have any headache or nausea. I am doing more and more at home and am starting to think about the summer and places I want to take the kids.  I feel a veil has been lifted, and I have never quite had this feeling before.  It almost feels like the sky is the limit! The last two days I even hobbled on the treadmill (partially hobbled because I am out of shape but also the treadmill is 10+ years old and is sticking).

Throughout this whole radiation, I have been going to an acupuncturist. My mother sees one, and recommended I should to. She stated that her insurance usually covers some portion of hers. I looked into my insurance and found it would completely cover it (since I have met my deductible).  After this, I really felt I had nothing to loose, so I made the appointment.

Of course, before I went to the appointment, I looked up research articles looking into the side effects of radiation and the efficacy of acupuncture.  I found that in this instance, acupuncture is just as effective as medication.  There was even one study that intentionally put the needles into the wrong spots, and it was just as effective.  Even if it is a placebo effect, it is something.

 

When I go to acupuncture, the doctor usually asks me questions (like am I cold, am I pooping normally, am I in pain, etc) and then looks at my tongue.  After that I lie on the table and let her poke me many many times.  She always puts about 15 or so needles into me. Usually it is not that bad, but some are zingers and take a while to feel normal again. I once was battling a bad head cold and I told her about it. That was a big mistake because I ended up with about 8 needles in my cheeks.  Not the most pleasant experience, but maybe it helped things.

After she puts the needles in, she makes the room warm and comfortable and then leaves. I stay in the room for about 45 minutes to an hour. It is really hard just staying still doing nothing.  I feel like this is probably the key to acupuncture. I always feel myself relaxing more and more so my the end, I usually have a clear head and feel refreshed.  After that, she comes back, takes the needles out and then I leave.

Part of me wants to try to understand more about acupuncture, but I feel like the more I learn, the more I will distrust it.  Maybe it is better to be in ignorance and accept that it has helped me through this part of my life. For me, that is really hard

28/30

Magic can be a pretty powerful thing here. Good thing Franny knows magic too.

 Do you see all that sun in the picture?  It not only looks great, but it feels warm and cozy here. The weather seemed to set my spirit free, and suddenly I started thing about things that should happen AFTER radiation, not sure enduring it.  I haven't been able to see this far in a long time, and I am sure the weather has nudged me in the right direction.

 Things have been so nice the kids have been playing outside. These pictures are from a little adventure to our local park (with a neighbor friend). Being outside really makes the kids happy. After I come inside from being outside, there is this great satisfaction present.  I don't know why, but I always welcome it and look forward to many days when I have the energy to be productive out there.

 This last Friday, I felt the worst I ever had. I was so weary, had a headache and nausea. I just wanted everything to go away.  Over the weekend, things seemed to get a little better, but now that I am in the cycle of daily radiation, I expect to feel horrible again soon (although today is okay)

 I am now officially working part time. I go to work in the morning, go to radiation, and then home. This has really helped me be a productive part of the family. Last night I took the kids to the library and today I was able to bring Frances to art class.  This is the important stuff that I have been missing.

 While I have been on radiation, I am not supposed to take multi-vitamins or drink juices. This is because I should not have any extra anti-oxidants right now. The radiation is causing damage and the anti-oxidants might prevent this.  After the radiation is done, the damage is done, but it does take time for my healthy cells that got incidentally zapped to heal themselves.  I want to give my body everything it needs and I want to heal quickly.

 This means that I should start to exercise when I get the energy (or force myself when I can), rest when I need to, and eat lots of fruits and veggies. Looking back, I wonder if that is why I am always hungry for fruits?  I've been thinking about green smoothies for a few days, and I think I want to try them. My biggest problem with juices is that they take away important stuff when they strain the fruit. If you have a fancy blender, you can blend all of it and then drink it.  They might still be a little high in sugar, but maybe if it is watered down or has lots of vegetables, then it is okay. At this point, I want to try it.

 I think I will try a smoothie every day for a month. After that month, I will mentally check in with myself to see if it made any difference. If not, well then I wasted my money on a fancy blender, but if so, then, well, I helped myself.

 Aaron has agreed to try it too. Really, what does he have to lose?  I will make the smoothie in the morning. All he has to do is drink it, and he is not really a picky eater. I am trying to convince my mom to try it too. She is more choosy about her food. We'll see.

 I like the thought of giving myself a boost to heal.

 Now, all I have to do is finish radiation and buy a blender.

 Oh, also, now that spring is out, I am thinking about starting some seeds indoors. I have a good collection of seeds, so I will just use what we have and not buy anything new. Last year, the dears ate most of my hard work.  I am going to put a fence around the area to prevent that this year.

 I specifically asked Henry what he wanted to plant in our garden, and he said flowers.  I was hoping for a vegetable, but flowers sound good to me. We tried to plant some flowers in the yard last year, but I think the soil was too hard and they never got going. Maybe I will try a planter or an urn this year.

 With only two treatments left, I am thinking of what I want to do to celebrate.

Jump shot

 I have thought and thought about it, but I think the best way is to just surround myself with family and do nothing.  For in nothing, I am doing something.


20/30

This week I started to feel the effects of the radiation. 

I have had more headaches. They are still mild, but they have been forcing me to take medication more and sometimes I wake up with a headache.  You are not supposed to wake up with a headache, but then I think "oh yeah, I have a brain tumor." Worse case scenario is already here.

I can manage the headache. Really, they are not too bad. What has been hard is the fatigue. I have been pretty worthless at home and am going to bed right after the kids (okay, once I did before).  With the tiredness, I think I could fight it and rally and stay up later, but I am trying to give my body what it needs.  I feel like it if wants me to sleep, well than, I should let it.

I have also been listening to my body food wise. Last week I bought a bunch of fruit!  Mmmm, it has tasted so good: pineapple, grapefruit, apple, banana, orange and more.  I also have been wanting red meat.  With my funny radiation schedule, I eat my lunch in the car, this has meant a lot of beef jerky.

Last Friday I went to my radiation appointment and in front of me was a 75ish year old woman who obviously had never been there before and was getting many forms to fill out. She was in a wheel chair and had a little turban to cover up her hair loss. She was accompanied by someone I assume was her daughter. The front desk was especially nice to her and she seemed to appreciate it. When we got into the waiting room, another women with hair loss, but some regrowth started talking to the new women.  She stated that she didn't know what the new women was going to do, but that she recommended this place highly for the radiation, but more importantly for the people who work here. Everyone has treated her so well and she is so appreciative. The new women thanked her and said that this appointment was to see if radiation was a good idea or not. Because of this conversation, the front desk attendant came over and thanked the women who spoke so highly of the staff. Then there was some crying, hugging and maybe some blubbering.

While this whole things was going on, I was sitting right next to them trying to ignore them and focus on my phone.  At first I was thinking maybe I should say my two cents on everything, but then I thought I didn't even know what my two cents were and that I was here for a little bit of a different circumstance.  With the two in front of me, I assume they both have cancer. In fact, I assume the talkative one has breast cancer because she grabbed herself when she was talking about the radiation. Both of these people have lived longer lives than me, and I assume more complete. They came here with a death sentence and will leave with hope.

While I was thinking about this, I suddenly felt that I was being very ungrateful about everything. Ok, I don't have cancer, but I do have a BRAIN TUMOR. If I don't do this radiation, it could very well kill me eventually. So, what they are doing, is saving my life.  Why shouldn't I be more happy about this? Every one who works there is certainly nice. They always have a friendly smile.  When I go into the treatment room, I put on my gear and I am unable to talk. Maybe that is it, maybe that is why I feel I have not bonded with everyone. 

No, that is really not the case (although it doesn't help).  I am not really and extravert, although I am not an introvert either. I am in the middle. I can be friendly and talkative, but it takes time. I need to warm to you. I also need to be in the right mindset. When I come for radiation, I am not coming because I want to, I am coming because I have to, and that makes me a little more quiet.  I also know that my prognosis is probably better than anyone else in the waiting room, and for that I feel a little different.

I don't know.   No body gave me the book to read about how I am supposed to act and feel ( I wish they would, I am a good book reader).  I can only act like I am and how I feel, any different would be a front. Sometimes I feel like I should act weaker and just stay at home and sulk, and then sometimes I just want to do everything I normally do (actually most times).

I only have 10 more treatment.  I feel like I am in the home stretch. I only have a couple more weeks until I get this all over and done with and can put it in the past. In the mean time, I will eat what I want, sleep when I want and will try to simply acknowledge all that I feel.

16/30

Last Wednesday I gave myself a goal of writing. Obviously I failed.
 
When writing this blog, I always try to be optimistic and hopeful. The truth is that during the first 2 weeks of radiation, I wasn't there. I wanted to be positive and upbeat, but I couldn't keep it up, so I chose not to write.  I maybe should have, but it would have been a sad post.
 
Luckily, I am feeling a little more myself and I am gaining better prespective on this whole thing. It might really take a lifetime for that, but I am working on it.
 
So,every weekday, I go to work. Instead of having a lunch break, I head dowtown for my radiation treatment. It takes about 30 minutes one way. A friend reccomended a book on CD and this has helped A LOT. Once I am at the hospital, the treatment only takes about 20 minutes and then I go back to work. The first week I was working my full schedule, but then I got a bad cold. I don't really get sick, so I thought maybe I was pushing my body a little too much. Now I leave from work a little early each day.  This and acupuncture seem to help.
 
What are treatments like?  Well, the whole machine looks like a CT scanner but with muscles. When I get in to the room, I put this helmet on that has a mouth piece and is molded to the back of my head. This helmet is then screwed into the table.  So basically, I am locked into this table. I hate to think what would happen if I threw up or needed to move my body.  Once the table and I become one, then I am positioned in a certain way for the radiation to start. There are four boughts of radiation.  The usually start on one side of my head or below and then make a full C.  I know it is happening because it makes a buzzing sound. It doesn't hurt or bother me.  Each arc needs my head in a certain position so they move the table between treatments. Once they do that 4 times, they lower the table, take off the helmet and it is done.  Really, that's all.
 
Today I am 16/30 treatments done.  Starting last week, my skin is getting a little irritated where my scar is.  There is a special radiation cream that I have. They tell me to use it 4 times a day. When ever I put it on, it is very cooling and it feels good.  I cannot for the life of me remember to put it on 4 times a day. I hope it is a cream that makes things feel good and not a cream to prevent damage. If it is the latter, I should try harder. I meet with the radiation oncologist weekly, and that is today. Maybe I should ask her.
 
Besides the skin feeling a little sore, I am doing pretty good. Earlier in the treatment, I was a little nauseous, but that has resolved. I am getting slight headaches, which are relieved by Tylenol and caffiene. I think my energy is a little low, but not too horrible.  
 
The truth is, I am just trying to be as normal as possible. Some days I achieve this, others not.
 
I look forward to when this is only a memory. Something I can draw upon when I need to, but I can mostly forget.