Nostalgia in Iowa

This weekend Aaron and I had the amazing opportunity to take a look at the last 10 years of our lives. It leaves me with melancholy and longing for the past, yet I am very happy in the present. I hope by writing this, I will understand my feelings better.

We started off the trip meeting Aaron's freshman roommate for a little sushi in Des Moines. If there is one year in life that is more life-changing than freshman year of college, I would like to know it. Luckily for Aaron, I was a sophomore and could help shape his mind into adulthood. Jesse and I met the first day of school that year. We were both trombone players in marching band, and were both there more out of obligation than choice. Quickly a five-some appears. Four of us from marching band, and then, well Aaron (he was always the tag along). Thinking back now, it was a great year. So many night excursions, concerts, pizza and love. That was when Aaron and I fell in love. How could anyone not like this year?

After that year Jesse changed schools. I'd like to think it was the educational opportunities U of I had and nothing against the other 4 of us. Jesse, if you know different please stay silent. It was a great lunch. Even though 5 years had passed, it didn't seem to matter.

After lunch we went to Iowa City. It's amazing. After flooding and tornadoes, it's still exactly the same. As soon as you step into the ped mall, it's like stepping back in time. I feel the slow pace of life and the happiness of just being there. I wanted to go to medical school and be a doctor, but the first year I applied, I didn't get in. 2 years later I tried again. I knew it was my last try. After flying around the country, I was placed on at least 4 wait lists.

Iowa came through.

I know a lot of people doubt themselves when they start medical school, but I didn't (I think that happened a little later). I plunged right in, and I was doing well. It was so exciting to be doing something that I knew I could be good at, but more importantly, I really, really wanted to do. That's what I felt on the ped mall. So much excitement with the future unknown and everything just up to me. The later part gave me a significant amount of anxiety back then, but I now know that everything worked out perfectly. I wish I could tell myself that.

It wasn't just the classes. If freshman year was all about becoming an individual, then Iowa City was about maturing my mind and becoming the person I should be. This wasn't all done by myself.

My first semester in med school we had to dissect cadavers. It's an invaluable experience that amidst the computers and 3D televisions still holds worth. We had 6 people to a body. That's when I met Jen. It must have been in the first or second week that she started talking about how hard anatomy was for her and how she was struggling. Now, that wasn't me at all. I couldn't empathize. I was ready for everything (or so I thought). I was amazed how open and candid she was immediately. It impressed me, but also made me step back a little. If she was struggling, I didn't want to get too close, for fear I struggle too. After another couple weeks Jen got the hang of things and I don't think ever wavered again. It's funny how wrong my first impression of her was.

I guess there is something about removing fat around the cadavers muscles that warms a person to each other. Through that semester Jen and I became great friends.

That's why Aaron and I traveled.

Jen got married this weekend. All the memories: of studying 10 hours at a time, playing board games at her house, watching Olympic swimming with her and her roommates, it all came back. Not just the memories, but the feelings too. It was so vital to me becoming who I am, and at the same time, so much fun.

I want to go back. I want to enjoy the good parts all again. It's amazing that thinking about the past often only gives one type of memory. For this, it was just the fun parts. I must have forgotten how stressed out I got about step 1, or the time I failed my first and only test, or the pressure that I gave myself. Those memories are so faint, I have to squint.

I can't go back. There's really nothing for me to achieve there. All my friends have moved on to different cities. I've moved on. Aaron's not just my boyfriend, but husband. I have a wonderful son who is sleeping in this very room and a little girl in my belly that is most obviously not asleep. I have a great job and great family.

I do love my life, but I also love my past life.

It's fun to revisit and catch up with people from the past. Maybe my biggest fear is that the relationships I have made will degrade. And maybe for some they will (and already have). The daily visits and talks we once had are now spread out to a couple times a year. This will have to be good enough for now. If the relationship is strong enough it will last. If not...

I still have the memories.