Nostalgia

 Two nights ago I watched the Saturdar Night Live anniversary show, well, okay, I only watched half of it. I am sure it was the better half anyway. How can anyone be expected to watch a 3 1/2 hour show?  Aaron did, but it took him a couple settings.

 As I was watching it, I started being filled with feelings of when I watched it as a young girl. When I was in junior high, I considered myself pretty funny. In fact, I took a class in school that was all about improve and I KILLED IT! I thought, well, maybe I found my calling.  When I would watch SNL as a young girl, I saw the comedians and how much fun they were having, and how they were bringing joy to others' lives.  Yes, I could do that.  I felt like at that time I could do about anything presented. There were just so many options.
 
I did not think about the late nights writing scetches, or the parting or the drugs, and most of all the job insecurity.  That part did not exist for me.
 
With all that lay ahead, I was happy to know of all the different paths possible. 
 
While I watched that show two nights ago, I realized that I don't really have choices anymore, well, not the big ones. I guess I can choose what to wear or what we are having for dinner, but nothing big anymore.  I have already made my choices.  I love my job and the direction it has taken. I love my husband. I love my kids.  It is not that. It is just that this is my life and all the large choices are done.  I guess it is good to know who I am and what I want to do, but I liked that feeling of invincability and that I could really do anything.
 
Now I know I can't, and the choice is gone.