Hmmm, what to make.

I've been trying to make something for months for little swordfish, but with little success. At first I found a great blanket, but then I stopped liking it so much so I stopped. I found another blanket pattern, but I ran out of yarn and had to unravel it all (so sad). My mother is planning on making a quilt and I think my sister is going to make a blanket. I will be loaned some clothes so I don't want to make clothes that they will never have a chance to wear. So, I had a conundrum.

Then I thought, hmm, she will be born in the wintertime. All new babies in the winter need HATS! That's it. I will make hats, and so I have.
This is the first little had I made. It will fit a newborn head. It's going to be so cute I might explode. I can't wait to put it on her little head.
After making the owl had, I figured I would do something a little feminine since I haven't really made a girly hat before. It was pretty easy and as you can see, really cute. Hats are so quick and fun to make. I'm actually working on a 3rd right now. I got all my patterns from ravelry, which is a great knitting site. I highly recommend it to anyone who even thinks about knitting something.

After I finish this last hat I will be making my first major project. It is a winter baby sack that fits in the car seat. I hope to start it soon, and I'll post pictures as soon as I can.

Perfect Morning

Well, I think Autumn has come, at least for today. I keep thinking it's fall, but then we go and have another hot couple of days. For now, I'll enjoy what I have.

This morning I had a great (albeit rushed) breakfast which included the famous Honey Crisp Apples. I am so excited to eat these again. These are my perfect food. The crunchiness and sweetness of these can't be beat. After my breakfast (and a hospital meeting) I walked to work in the cool morning. I could see my breath a little, but I wasn't cold. I was perfect in my polar fleece. I could have walked forever. Well, I wish. After about 1/2 a mile, my lower belly gets a little sore and, well, I do have to work today.

Still, it was a nice piece of calm.

I had another opportunity for alone time. This last weekend the Kaufman Performing Arts center opened and it had a free open house. We were all going to go, but suddenly Henry declared that he was no longer afraid of fireworks and was ready to go to a baseball game. Seeing as this weekend was the last day game of the season, Aaron had to take him. Instead of going with them, I went to the open house by myself.

Parking was crazy and once I got to the center, the line was staggering. I got in the back of the line and was planning on just staying a little while. If the line moved fast, I would go in, but otherwise I would just go home. As I was standing in line, there was a drizzle of rain. I was warm with my coat and covered from the wet by my umbrella. Funny thing was, I felt very peaceful. I knew Henry was taken care of and hopefully having fun. I didn't have any pressing errands or projects. I could just enjoy this solitude among thousands of people. So, I stood there and waited.

After over an hour, I got into the center. The inside was pretty packed, but I found a seat in one of the theaters. I was just in time for a jazz show. It was a big band and they were playing old standards. As I watched, I felt a pang of regret. How I wanted to actually play again. While they were playing the old familiar songs, I knew all the correct positions and intonations for them. It seems like a lifetime ago that I actually played. Maybe sometime again, just not right now.

After the jazz band, I watched 4 other shows and walked around a little and then left. It was great. It did feel like a glimpse of what I could have been doing without medical school or kids. I could have played in a jazz band or orchestra. I could be going to performances left and right.

But I'm not.

It's okay. I have a great life and I know I chose the right path. Maybe in a few years, when I have more free time and the kids are older, I'll pick up where I left. I don't feel regret, I just hope the future involves me and music.

It was a great afternoon to sit back and enjoy myself and the arts. Oh, and by the way, Henry did pretty well at the game. Looks like next season will be promising for Aaron (good for Henry going to the games and maybe even good for the Royals).

Arboretum

Like all Wednesdays, yesterday I had the day off. I usually like to do something with Henry, but with all my OB appointments and my long to do lists, I haven't been very good about this.

The day started out with me taking my gestational diabetes screening test. I totally passed! I wasn't too worried, but it's nice to know my blood sugars are doing okay (especially since I just made puppy chow last night). After that test we ate lunch and headed to the Arboretum in Overland Park. I have been wanting to go there for a long time. I know Minneapolis has a great one, so I just assume all Arboretums are great. I thought I would have to pay for the Arboretum, but I just recently found out it was free, so really, nothing was holding me back.

The Arboretum is pretty far south in Overland Park but it was easy to find. It was a perfect day to be outside. It was a little cool with a nice breeze. In fact, probably my favorite temperature ever.
When we got there, we got a map and headed toward the children's area. Henry did so well the entire time. He was perfectly behaved and seemed to love all aspects of the arboretum (including the map). When we were driving home he kept looking at the map and asking me if we went to certain points on the map. I love that he loves maps and is good with directions. In fact, I love everything about him.

Thinking about this new baby inside of me makes me realize how great Henry is. I don't think I could have asked for a better kid. He is so very sweet and affectionate. He always comes up to me and gives me a big hug and tells me how much he loves me. Who wouldn't love that? I still remember sometime last year when he got clobbered by a swing. He totally got knocked down, but quickly got up and looked at me and said "I'm o-tay mommy" and then started to cry. His first instinct was to reassure me. How sweet is that? I'm not usually a mom to brag about their son, but pardon me for a moment. My boy is smart! He has always loved books and we have always taken the time to read to him. He recognized letters early on, and now at 3 years old he can read! My guess is at about a 1st grade level or so. I love that he probably won't struggle academically. The fact that he has picked up reading so quickly makes me think he has a good memory, which will help him in all subjects. He's not just one sided though, he loves sports and being physically active. He hasn't met a sport yet that he doesn't love. How many 3 year olds ask to play racket ball as a reward or get sad that they can't play horse shoes? Really. Besides that, he is funny! He tries different acts out (like putting his underwear OVER his shorts) and has a couple jokes in his repertoire (what is tuba plus tuba? FORBA). Man, I love this kid. He is everything I could have asked for. I love watching him grow up and figuring out life.

I'm sure pregnancy has me feeling more nostalgic, so when we went to the Arboretum, I was asking myself how many of these one-on-one sessions are we going to have until the baby comes. Because of this, and how wonderful Henry is, we had a great time. We capped the afternoon off at Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not usually a donut fan, but with this pregnancy, sugary things can't be beat. Yes, again, I am thankful I passed my glucose tolerance test, but even more grateful for my son.

Prematurity

I should probably not write about this, or even dwell on this, but I think about it often and I've looked up all the information, so I thought I might as well share the wealth (so to speak).

I'm almost 24 weeks pregnant now. Well that may sound great to some, it seems quite scary to me. You see, this is the time that there is a possibility that the baby might survive, but with great consequence. Now, I know that in the US, only about 13% of babies are born prematurily (2% of these less than 32 weeks) and I know there are certain risk factors for this. I also know that I don't have any of these risk factors. In fact, we had to induce Henry. So, this is all largely based on fear, but fear is pretty motivating.

Still, I've seen it. I know how a 24 weeker looks after being born. I know what an uphill battle they will have for the rest of their life, and I don't want it for my little girl. Each week longer this baby stays in is another week of reassurance for me.

Anyway, here are the facts.

If a baby is born at less than 32 weeks, there is an 18% mortality rate.

If the baby is born at greater than 32 weeks, there is a less than 2% mortality rate.

This is a pretty HUGE difference.

A lot of studies break it down by birth weight.

If the baby weighs less than 500 grams (1.1 pounds), there is a 92% mortality rate.

If the baby weighs between 500g-749g (1.1 lbs -1.6 lbs), there is a 29% mortality rate.

If the baby weights between 750g-1000g (1.6lbs- 2.2 lbs) there is a 15% mortality rate.

With these facts, they are strictly based on mortality. This is not the worst prognosis for these kids. Those who survive are at risk for things including: learning disabilities, vision loss, hearing loss, cerebral palsy, behavior problems and long term lung problems. I could go on, but I wont.

So I'm going to do my best to keep my baby inside me. I'm going to lay low with the exercising for a bit and just walk a lot instead. I'll drink plenty of water (even if that means I have to wake up a lot at night). I will also try not to get to stressed out or worked up about anything. No one tries for a premature infant. It just happens. So every day that I stay pregnant, I will again realize how fortunate I am. Someday I look forward to meeting this little girl inside me, but not too soon.

The Real First Day

So, of course, Henry loved school. I had to work in the afternoon, so I didn't get the fresh details, but I have pieced them together as much as possible.

When we woke up yesterday I asked Henry if he knew what today was (he didn't). As soon as I told him it was his first day of school, he got excited and started packing his lunch (chocolate pudding and peaches). I fed him breakfast, got him dressed and left for work.

Aaron brought him to school and got there right before it was time to go it. He got a couple pictures where he is actually smiling, which for him is a big deal. He really must have been excited. Then I got a text from Aaron. "He did great. Big smile as he went in. I'm ok too."

Now things get a little sketchy. I guess in the beginning there was a microphone and they were supposed to state their name and what they like. Henry said his name and that he liked Wii (of course) and then something else. He couldn't remember what he said. Hmm. I'd be very interested to know what is up there with Wii. For now, I'll picture that he said "my mommy." After that they had activities all morning long.

When it was time to eat, Henry did a great job. He ate all of his sandwich, all of his pudding, and some gold fish. He told us that he kept saying the same thing over and over during lunch. When we asked what he said, he told us it was "I don't get it." Apparently there were kids laughing and Henry didn't know why. I would have LOVED to see this interaction. He never did figure out why the other kids were laughing.

After lunch they were supposed to go outside to the playground, but they had to check if it was raining (it was). Henry said that a boy did something funny. He said when they were checking for rain, the boy stuck out his tongue to try to get some water. Hilarious, right? Because it was raining they played inside and I guess there are little cars you can get in and play with. He and another kid played bumper cars together. Henry said that he talked a lot during the day, but only the little boy he played bumper cars with talked back.

I guess during the day there were three bathroom breaks and Henry was able to go to the bathroom all three times (big success!). Also, he said that he only needed help pulling up his pants the first time. Not bad at all.

When it was time to leave and Henry saw Aaron, I guess he gave him a big hug and a big smile.

Later I got a text from Aaron saying "He loved it! Teacher said he did great!"

I'm so proud of my little guy.

Oh, and when I got home, we watched "Wipeout" and laughed at all the guys falling down.

It's almost time for school

Tomorrow marks a pretty huge milestone in Henry's life. It's his first day of preschool. I feel fine about the whole thing; actually I'm excited. This is perfect for him. Before it occurs I thought I would offer my prediction and then later compare it to how it actually went.

So, this is how it will go.

School starts at 9:30. They ask the kids to stay in the hall until the exact time. They also want all of the good byes in the hall. Aaron will bring Henry there with plenty of time to spare. They will hang up his back pack and then just wait and wait. While waiting in the hall, both Henry and Aaron will be silent for a good few minutes. His teacher will announce it is time to go in, and Henry will give a quiet good bye and a wave.

Then starts the fun. I actually think he will do very well. I'm sure he'll be quiet for most of the day, but he'll do exactly what he is supposed to. I wouldn't be surprised if he never uttered a word to his teachers the whole day. He'll practice his coloring, read books and maybe even play swords with a random kid. There are scheduled bathroom breaks, and he will do what he is supposed to with no problems (although we will have a change of clothes in his backpack). He won't get upset with anything except maybe opening his fruit cup and pulling up his pants. He will not argue with any kids but will ask them if they like Mario and if they play Wii (hopefully the kids will know what he is talking about). He will love the outdoor classroom.

Before he knows it, school will be done and Aaron will come pick up him.

Henry will say it went fine, but will not give many details. Then I'll come home and try to wriggle every detail I can out of him. After our conversation we will go upstairs and finish the show "Wipeout" that we started the night before. We'll both laugh at all the guys falling and then call it a night.

Sounds good to me.

Nostalgia in Iowa

This weekend Aaron and I had the amazing opportunity to take a look at the last 10 years of our lives. It leaves me with melancholy and longing for the past, yet I am very happy in the present. I hope by writing this, I will understand my feelings better.

We started off the trip meeting Aaron's freshman roommate for a little sushi in Des Moines. If there is one year in life that is more life-changing than freshman year of college, I would like to know it. Luckily for Aaron, I was a sophomore and could help shape his mind into adulthood. Jesse and I met the first day of school that year. We were both trombone players in marching band, and were both there more out of obligation than choice. Quickly a five-some appears. Four of us from marching band, and then, well Aaron (he was always the tag along). Thinking back now, it was a great year. So many night excursions, concerts, pizza and love. That was when Aaron and I fell in love. How could anyone not like this year?

After that year Jesse changed schools. I'd like to think it was the educational opportunities U of I had and nothing against the other 4 of us. Jesse, if you know different please stay silent. It was a great lunch. Even though 5 years had passed, it didn't seem to matter.

After lunch we went to Iowa City. It's amazing. After flooding and tornadoes, it's still exactly the same. As soon as you step into the ped mall, it's like stepping back in time. I feel the slow pace of life and the happiness of just being there. I wanted to go to medical school and be a doctor, but the first year I applied, I didn't get in. 2 years later I tried again. I knew it was my last try. After flying around the country, I was placed on at least 4 wait lists.

Iowa came through.

I know a lot of people doubt themselves when they start medical school, but I didn't (I think that happened a little later). I plunged right in, and I was doing well. It was so exciting to be doing something that I knew I could be good at, but more importantly, I really, really wanted to do. That's what I felt on the ped mall. So much excitement with the future unknown and everything just up to me. The later part gave me a significant amount of anxiety back then, but I now know that everything worked out perfectly. I wish I could tell myself that.

It wasn't just the classes. If freshman year was all about becoming an individual, then Iowa City was about maturing my mind and becoming the person I should be. This wasn't all done by myself.

My first semester in med school we had to dissect cadavers. It's an invaluable experience that amidst the computers and 3D televisions still holds worth. We had 6 people to a body. That's when I met Jen. It must have been in the first or second week that she started talking about how hard anatomy was for her and how she was struggling. Now, that wasn't me at all. I couldn't empathize. I was ready for everything (or so I thought). I was amazed how open and candid she was immediately. It impressed me, but also made me step back a little. If she was struggling, I didn't want to get too close, for fear I struggle too. After another couple weeks Jen got the hang of things and I don't think ever wavered again. It's funny how wrong my first impression of her was.

I guess there is something about removing fat around the cadavers muscles that warms a person to each other. Through that semester Jen and I became great friends.

That's why Aaron and I traveled.

Jen got married this weekend. All the memories: of studying 10 hours at a time, playing board games at her house, watching Olympic swimming with her and her roommates, it all came back. Not just the memories, but the feelings too. It was so vital to me becoming who I am, and at the same time, so much fun.

I want to go back. I want to enjoy the good parts all again. It's amazing that thinking about the past often only gives one type of memory. For this, it was just the fun parts. I must have forgotten how stressed out I got about step 1, or the time I failed my first and only test, or the pressure that I gave myself. Those memories are so faint, I have to squint.

I can't go back. There's really nothing for me to achieve there. All my friends have moved on to different cities. I've moved on. Aaron's not just my boyfriend, but husband. I have a wonderful son who is sleeping in this very room and a little girl in my belly that is most obviously not asleep. I have a great job and great family.

I do love my life, but I also love my past life.

It's fun to revisit and catch up with people from the past. Maybe my biggest fear is that the relationships I have made will degrade. And maybe for some they will (and already have). The daily visits and talks we once had are now spread out to a couple times a year. This will have to be good enough for now. If the relationship is strong enough it will last. If not...

I still have the memories.