6 months after radiation

I recently went to the neurosurgeon for my 6 month post radiation visit, which was 1 year past surgery.  Before I went and saw the doctor, I needed a brain MRI. Let me tell you, I am very sick of brain MRIs!

I did all the usual, checked in, got into scrubs, got an IV, then I was shoved in the tube, again.  I kept thinking about how many times I have done this before (5 or 6) and how much has changed since then, and how much depends on the scan. It's something I don't like dwelling on, and usually I can be pretty practical, but when you're stuck with your thoughts for an hour, well, it can get to you.

Luckily, my meeting with the nurse practioner in neurosurgery was right afterward.  I headed up and was promptly seen. Normally at this stage of the game, they are happy if everything looks the same, stable and good.  My tumor was actually showing signs of involution and the middle had a little more loculations and less intense signal than before. It is a really good sign!

I left the office feeling hopeful after a pretty emotional day.

Later, I went to the audiologist to recheck my hearing. I felt like my hearing aid wasn't working as well as before.  Well, I was right, my hearing is worse, much worse.  It is gone, caput, fineto!  So long right ear hearing! There is now no hope for sound localization for me.  It's taken me about a week to accept it, but I have. I know this whole journey could have been much much worse, but I still miss my hearing (a lot).

But, I bit the bullet and ordered the cross cover hearing aids. This is the one that takes sound from the right ear and puts it in my left.  I haven't gotten it yet.  Since I have been waiting, I went to a church function and felt the whole implications of my hearing impairment. I was working so hard just to concentrate on who was speaking and not on the background noise.  I missed a lot of the speech, especially if they were on my right.  There was even one time I was non-shallantly cupping my left ear so I could hear more.  I felt like I couldn't relax. I had to keep my guard up and constantly be aware.  Aaron had a really good time, but I didn't. I left the night feeling....so this is what it's like.  Not happy with reality.

Well, really, things will get better with the cross cover hearing aids. Hearing shouldn't be a problem, but the localization will, and forever will be gone. When people in a group are talking, it is hard for me to know which one it is, when my kid drops a game piece on the floor I can't find it,  when my kid runs away from me in a store....

Ok, I'm wading in my misery a little. I need to stop it.

Twice this past week I have been contacted because someone knows someone who has the diagnosis of acoustic neuroma. I have been happy to talk with both of these people, and if I can ease their transition to this new diagnosis and make things a little less scary, then it is good.  I guess I just should remember the good.