Tipping to One Side

 Well, I guess it was bound to end, but still, not too happy about it. Last weekend I weaned the steroids completely off, and it did not go well at all. I awoke on Saturday morning with a bad headache, stomachache and nauseous (I even vomited).  I  quickly restarted the steroids and slept on the couch the whole morning.  I can remember Franny asking me if I was better, and then I would simply answer "no."  By the afternoon, I could feel the effects of the steroids and I felt somewhat "awake" so I went to Henry's game.  I'm trying to think back on the weekend, and I think I also ate at my parents house, but that is about all.

Man, this somnolence syndrome is really kicking me.  Not only do I physically feel bad, it really wipes out my mental stamina.  I worked on Monday and Tuesday, but Wednesday I was feeling more tired and I skipped something that I was really looking forward to, so I could just sleep on the couch.  When I feel bad, I just felt like I would never get better and I just keep slipping back to exhaustion.  I get so apathetic and down.  I always had a sunny disposition, but not so with somnolence syndrome.

During all of this, there was one thing that bothered me the most, a picture. On back to school night last fall, we met Henry's 1st grade teacher for the first time. At that visit, she took a picture of the whole family.  I look at that picture and I don't even recognize myself. My hair is longer, I seem happy and I seem in shape.  This was before.  Before I knew about the 4cm brain tumor. Before my brain surgery, before my 6 weeks of radiation, before my somnolence syndrome.  I look different because I was different.  I want to be that person again, will I ever?

Now, it's been about a week back on the steroids, and I am feeling okay. I am on the lowest dose that I was before I stopped, and I think I will keep this up for a little bit. My radiation oncologist gave me a half dose to use to slowly stop.  I'll do that next week. For now, I am liking the fact that I am starting to think about planning and what they day and week will entail. I actually made a vacation list for packing and planning (will be leaving in 5 days).

Also, this weekend, we went and watched Aaron play old timey baseball.  It is 1860's rules so there are a couple odd plays.  When you are watching, you are supposed to cheer by saying "Hurruh," so that is what we did. I'm glad Aaron found this team, even if he is the youngest by about 30 years.

Nirvana

 Recently, people have been asking me how I feel. This makes sense, considering what I am going through, but the answer is quite unexpected.

I tell people that I have achieved enlightenment, peace, nirvana. 

I am right now balancing somnolence syndrome, steroids, caffeine and lack of sleep. For some reason, all of these stirred together, lead me with ... a sense of being, alright with the world.

I am still somewhat motivated in life, but for the most part, things are pretty okey dokey.  I just want to keep thing simple, and keep floating over life.  I used to think about the next day, then the next week and the next month.  I am more just thinking about today. What am I going to do today? Should I think about tomorrow? I usually do at around 2am in the middle of the night or so.

This weekend, I slowly plugged away in the kitchen and living room, to not only clean, but purge the excess in my life. I want to live simply and I want to stay in an uncluttered abode.  The thing is, I wasn't even minding the cleaning.  It was the process.

Um, what?  So not me...or is it.

I also feel like maybe I am more gentler and kinder.  When I go into a patient room at work, I am usually very aware of time. Not in a bad way, but in a prompt way.  Now, I am finding myself just sitting back and waiting for parents to wrap up the conversations.  Most of the time, I end up on time anyway without pushing. This leaves me with a little less time between patients, but I manage fine.

I am also being nice to myself.  If I eat an extra cereal bowl before bedtime...big deal.  I will probably make up for it sometime in the future when I start exercising hard again.  If I can't sleep, just get up and find something else to do.  If I need an afternoon caffeine pick me up, so be it!

Maybe this is good, but the truth is, it's not me.

So, I will continue living in this state of enlightenment for maybe a week or so, but then I better get back to my motivated practical self.