Nostalgia

 Two nights ago I watched the Saturdar Night Live anniversary show, well, okay, I only watched half of it. I am sure it was the better half anyway. How can anyone be expected to watch a 3 1/2 hour show?  Aaron did, but it took him a couple settings.

 As I was watching it, I started being filled with feelings of when I watched it as a young girl. When I was in junior high, I considered myself pretty funny. In fact, I took a class in school that was all about improve and I KILLED IT! I thought, well, maybe I found my calling.  When I would watch SNL as a young girl, I saw the comedians and how much fun they were having, and how they were bringing joy to others' lives.  Yes, I could do that.  I felt like at that time I could do about anything presented. There were just so many options.
 
I did not think about the late nights writing scetches, or the parting or the drugs, and most of all the job insecurity.  That part did not exist for me.
 
With all that lay ahead, I was happy to know of all the different paths possible. 
 
While I watched that show two nights ago, I realized that I don't really have choices anymore, well, not the big ones. I guess I can choose what to wear or what we are having for dinner, but nothing big anymore.  I have already made my choices.  I love my job and the direction it has taken. I love my husband. I love my kids.  It is not that. It is just that this is my life and all the large choices are done.  I guess it is good to know who I am and what I want to do, but I liked that feeling of invincability and that I could really do anything.
 
Now I know I can't, and the choice is gone.  

Radiation

 

 I haven't written on purpose.

 I am trying to get happy and accept things.  I just keep waiting, but I'm not there yet. It really doesn't matter, because tomorrow I am going to get radiation.

 Yes, again I will say, tomorrow I will get radiation. It is not just that day, but for 7 weeks!

 I am trying to rack my brain around it. When this whole things started, I knew that my tumor was too big to handle solely with surgery, but the doctors told me that I would just get one dose of radiation and call it good. Well, this is not happening. I think the people were being too hopeful with the future. Instead of telling me what they wanted to happen, they should have told me that this was even an option! I am upset with them. They mislead me and made this transition even more tough for me.

 With the way things are, I agree this is the best path.  I will get a lower dose radiation for about 33-35 treatments (weekends are free). This low dose allows for the good tissue to heal and that bad tissue to die.

 As far as side effects, they should be minimal. I might have patchy hair loss, headaches and fatigue. The radiation is centered on a small area, my tumor, and that will minimize side effects.  I feel like  am just getting back to normal with my energy. Knowing that I am going be more tired, well, not exactly fun.

 I have already been fitted for my special helmet, for which my teeth and back of head were molded.

I have had a special CT and I have had 5 MRIs in 4 months.

 

 I guess I am as ready as I can be

 Starting tomorrow, I go in every weekday at 1 pm.  The radiation is about 20 minutes long, then I will go back to work.

 After 7 weeks, I am done.  Done, done! 

Frances says "Malcolm jump"

This weekend I got to see family in Fargo. It was a brief, but pleasant visit.  Poor Henry was too sick to join in on the fun.  Strep throat does that to a boy.  With the family in Fargo, it is nice to know that whatever happens, it always seems the same in Fargo.